Every year for band, we go on a spring trip. This year was supposed to be Disney World, but then it was downgraded to Chicago. From there, it was put down even more to Kansas City (in state). Such a bummer that I wasn't gonna go. But, my freshman buddy "Tara" wants me to go. She even asked me to room with her. So, we decided each of us will choose another person to room with us at the hotel because it's 4 people to a room with two beds.
Well, I chose an acquaintance of mine (for convenicence she'll be "A.A") that is rumored to be bisexual. No one is absolutely sure if she is or not, but Tara strongly believes so and was horrified when I stated that A.A. will be sleeping in the same room with us. I told her that it's not like A.A. will rape her in the middle of the night just because she's queer (if she really is that is. That girl has everyone confused.) Tara didn't say anything until the end of the day when she said, "Okay, but only if you share the bed with her."
That was about 3 months ago.
Now, it's the final confirmation for the trip of who will be going, so me and Tara have been talking to make sure we have our 4 for the room. Well, she said she's uncertain whether or not she really feels comfortable with A.A. in the room with us. You could just imagine the pang of pain I felt when I heard this. She was afraid of a rumored bisexual being in a room with us, so what if it somehow slipped out I was lesbian (the label I prefer to stick to.) A few friends know, and a metro friend of mine sits with her during lunch, so it was possible for her to somehow know. So, feeling gulity that I was making Tara uncomfortable (even though she wasn't aware of it), I was scared to go on the trip. I mean, what if I do come out towards the end of the year, and Tara is like "EW, I slept in the same room with the lesbian!" I don't want to do that to her.
So, to clear my consious I wrote her a note. Here's a quick paraphrase:
"You know I'm your friend. I say things that sometimes creep you out, but I just do it to annoy you or be playful. I say what's on my mind, no matter if the person is a boy or girl. I treat everyone the same, regardless of gender. So, it shouldn't scare you that I like girls. It's just the way I am, but it shouldn't scare you. I'm just normal. Just because guys like girls doesn't mean they're jumping all over girls with intent of rape, so that's the same for me. Because I like girls doesn't mean I'll rape you. So, will it be okay if I still room with you?"
Yeah, I can't believe I wrote such a thing to her. I don't even know if she thought I wasn't playing around that I was lesbian because I said in the note that I played around a lot.
After school yesterday she called. She just said, "So are you going on the trip? Because Hailey said she is so that means our room is filled if you're still going." I smiled. She didn't outright say it was okay, but she beat around the bush in an understandable way. I'm so happy. She is the innocent, sheltered type that is afraid of homosexuality. But maybe now she is a little open minded. At least with me. It's a start.
I'm excited about the trip now, and I can't wait. Just a couple of months. I feel happy coming out to someone who was totally homophobic. It's a small baby step to freedom of my gayness! YAY!
I don't like the way it feels when I go to school. It's as if I'm wearing a mask. But, at least I'm not wearing a mask to some people, which now includes Tara :D
This happened yesterday, and I typed it all and pushed "Submit" but the stupid computer disconnected and I lost everything I typed, so I waited for today to tell everyone the good news.
Emotional Status: Gay in many ways :D