How do I even begin....I'm slipping so very low. I feel like a flower in in fall, slowly dying. I have been a self mutilator for two years on and off and Suicidel for about 1. Im no longer feel alive, I feel stripped, and raw. I Know I need help but I can't... I guess Ill tell you some backround info.
Looking back I think I have always been depressed, like in 5th grade I got panick attacks and shit. I think it started as anxeity, thats how the self mutlaion started.. I was in 7th grade and I just couln't house all my emotions, so I let them eascape with the help of my fingernails sinking into my wrist. It started out light just scratching and bruising, I even stopped. But then In 8th grade me dad was deployed, I started cutting...deep. I dont really rember last year well, it was a blur, I was suicedel up till May and then I wasn't I stopped cutting and I was better. Well my dad died in June, was bettter for a couple months, school started, I was still slightly depressed but nothing to be worried about. Then my mom started this onnline dating service, that is one the roller coaster of life went the soo fucking low. She started seing men, yes I am saying men. This like same week my brother, nearly killed himself and it was a huge mess he got sent to a mental institution. My mom started kinda ignoring me and just iming her dudes all day. She was getting slutty and Id call her on it and she would give me BS lines like" you are just to young to understanf love" or "Im an adualt" Dude you are cheating on them, thats not called love, dude our husband died in june and its december!!!! SHe started complusive lying and treating me like shit, the only time she would talk to me would be to put me down, This started the whole suicedel thought revivle... Im know empty hallow shallow there is nothing to me i am dead. I called me Uncle and he let me live with him. I hate myself soo much I feel guilty, I feel like a burden I want to just end this all.. but I know a least a couple people love me, I know I need help but I dont want to tell my uncle that I'm suicedel, I know it would hurt him, I dont want my inner thoughts public documents eitherm I dont want everyone knowing, right now Only like one person does.... I just want to end. THe sad thing is this just barly scartched at my problems... I hope I didnt come off as one of those more deppressed than thou emo kids