So i wrote a letter to one of my sisters, basically coming out to her. first i need to clear up that she is not my sister by blood. she is the sister of my sister........ sigh.......... my sister from my dad's first marriage, well her mum had 2 more girls to her 2nd hubby. is it clear now? anyhoo, i wrote this long letter explaining how i feel and what i am. i then went out and bought some stamps. but now i don't know if i should mail it or not. i'm still frightened. i go through these states of mind which are like, "i can do this, nothing bad will come of it", but then i freak out. i don't know what to do! to give everyone more of an idea, i'll write it here too...

"i must admit for a while now, i have been struggling with my identity. i didn't like who i was, what i am and where i was heading. but now, i think that 2007 is the year that i will become myself. what i write next is very hard for me to say, but it shouldn't be. i am bisexual/gay.
i need you to keep this a secret. i am telling you because i trust you, and i relate to you on a totally different level.

i love my sister [our shared sister], but i'm too emotionally involved and personal with her to reveal such a large part of me. it scares the shit out of me. Fuck...

I hope you can understand that. i would love to have your support. i hope you accept me. if you don't, tear this letter up into 100 pieces.

i haven't told anyone else. none of my family or friends. sure, they might think it, but nothing has been spoken. please, please, please, love me for who i am. understand that sometimes i told white lies because i was afraid. that i still am afraid. i'm afraid of what everyone will say, do, think. but mostly i'm afraid that once i say it, it will be real and that i will live my life as a faggot, a queer, a poof. why is it a negative thing? i'm a good person.

sometimes i think that it's a disease, one that i can't get rid of. i want to die so that i won't have to be it, but then i think, "what's the point, sex doesn't control everything". i don't really want this life. but i'm so deeply, psychologically attracted to my own kind that to think suck self-hating thoughts seems pointless.

what do you think? can you help me please? "Validate me" is what i'm screaming out! Please i value you so much, i need you to value me in return.

once again, i ask you to not tell a soul. don't even mention that you got this letter. no one else is privy to what i have shared with you [well, now that i have reproduced it here all you guys know it too], not until i am ready.

love with all my heart, nick."

what should i do?!?!?!

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little side note after such heavy stuff, there is the hottest guy at work! i work at a vacation care program for disabled children, and he is another worker. fuck he's delicious! he is 18 and is studying disability care at TAFE. and gawd, i figured out why i dig him - he is straight acting yet he looks after these kids so well, and can relate to them. it's his caring nature that i like. plus, he's really friendly. i'd walked 2 metres in the door when he turned around and introduced himself to me. then like 10 mins later he introduced himself again (he probably forgot). i wonder if he's gay. i pictured myself making out with him today, and i liked it lol ;)