I told my mom a while back that I was "lk that" and wasn't going to change. She seemed okay with it... She said it was my choice and just to know that once I make that choice, (to come out to all or to be with a girl) that nothing would be the same. Life would be harder. So, thanks? I mean I thought it was okay. Too good to be true??? I can't believe I was worried about her reaction. I was relieved. WOW I thought. I knew if I told her honestly and rationally and explained it, she'd understand.

Right.... She says later that if she finds out if I'm with a girl that she won't help me with college...She says I BETTER NOT be talking to any girls...

I got busted with this girl WAY BACK WHEN.. It was a note. "I love you baby"'s and all... My parents, well my mom particularly didn't like it.. She recently said she "KNOWS" I still talk to her and I act like nobody knows. She sarcastically said, "It's a secret. Nobody knows, right?"... I said no I didn't talk to her and she changed to.. well you talk to SOME girl.. and I said no again, "I don't talk to anybody.." And that's my story.

I feel like a liar. Even after telling her I'm "like that" and it won't change, I've acted lk I'm going out to party with some guy so.. {Maybe if they think I'm trying to talk to guys they'll let me go out more... = More freedom} But can't she tell? God, I'm lying.
I guess I just have to wait til I go away to college. I don't think I'm gonna bring up this subject for a while. I mean, I want to go to college, have them help... I don't want to face being on my own quite yet..

If it comes down to it, I WILL be on my own. I really don't think that'll be the case though. Maybe there will be a period of alone-ness... But they won't ignore me forever.

I can't wait to go to college.. Sadly, the main reason is because... So I can be ME! I can act how I want, talk to who I want, be with who I want, go out when I want... And now I can't TRULY do that. I mean, here.. I'm pretending to be straight. Pretending that girls aren't always on my damn mind cuz... Most of the time, not girls, but ... my girlfriend.. most of the time she is on my mind. And it sucks cuz I'm stuck here. Stuck being "single". "Straight". Everything they want me to be...

COLLEGE........ I applied for a scholarship today. On career goals I put all this.. BULLSHIT.. about wanting to be in the military as an officer one day.. Right... I mean, I do. I've been in JROTC for 4 years. I want to be in ROTC in college.. But, I very well can't do that because I am in a relationship with a girl. The relationship may not last, but I may want to talk to another girl again. I don't want to have to hide my girlfriend my whole life.. And I'm sure she wouldn't want to either. ROTC is supposed to pay my way through college.. What if someone narks on me during my freshman year? I am NOT going to hide. But if I lose my ROTC scholarship, then my parents will find out and what a way to come out to them again.. "Remember, I told you I was like that?.. We haven't talked about it in forever but.. I've been like that. I haven't changed. Somebody at the university found out and I lost my ROTC scholarship because you can't be gay in the military. I don't have money for college anymore." GOD WHAT A WAY! I think that's how it's going to happen too... Unless ter change the rules? Yeah..RIGHT.