Well the title is maybe harsh but for meeeeee, that is the question in mind. I did actually get invited to a girl's birthday party, and it would've had male friends from another school there (though I doubt any of them would've been gay, but whatever) but I chose not to go, since it was too early! Yuck, I've just been playing online games most of this holiday, and reading books and internet articles and listening to music.

It feels really meaningless a lot of the time, especially a game that I'm now going to pay money for monthly (well my parents are) and it's all PIXELS. And then I troll Myspace (see: antisocial) and spy nice comments about the girl's party, and what my grade's people have been doing over their vacation and I'm all ugh. I can shrug it off easily and a lot of people say they didn't do anything, but I really wish I had had something good to do, or a friend I felt comfortable with to hang out with, or a boyfriend to talk to, or some such.

Alas. And then I came across http://www.olganonboard.org/index.php?PHPSESSID=87d1dc160db52b9491462d55... this and got all disturbed. Not by the religious part but just by the whole thing, and the game I started playing is World of Warcraft for you nice readers.

I went to a family event tonight and saw a lot of extended family I hadn't met for years, and felt really out of the loop, and tried talking to them but basically had a LOT of awkward silences, except there was music playing the whole time, but that sort of made it worse. When I'm typing this right now, or trying to get to sleep, or early in the morning, I feel like I could talk to anyone on the planet and have them laughing or at least interested, but at school I feel very subdued, or don't want to come off as flamboyant, or just can't say anything to appear gay.

My mom hasn't talked about me coming out to her any more, it's been 2ish months now I think, and a few weeks ago my dad brought up gays at dinner in a negative way and she didn't say anything one way or the other. I sort of want to tell my brother right now, he's here from University and less than 100feet away from me. Even though we aren't really close, I'd just like him to know, and I can see coming out earlier having so many advantages, one big one is just in having people alter what they say/their mindset sooner.

Thanks for reading, if you did I'd love it if you left some kind of comment. The new site design looks very professional! The only thing is, navigating journals is tough and people's journals get very obviously bumped down as new ones are added, because the site doesn't stretch the page the full way across. Or is that just me seeing things rectangular?! Night.