Happy new years you guys and gals! It probably makes me a bit of a loser that we have just counted in the new year and I am sitting here on my computer, like the big nerd that I am :)! Ah well my uncoolness is due to some miscommunication (is that even a word?) between my friends and I, and the flu that I seem to be coming down with.
But I must admit I actually am feeling optimistic about the new year. I have been in a weird mood all day-happy one minute, being all down and depressed the next. I'd say my mood today, the last day of 2006 was a clear reflection of how I have been feeling all year. It has been a rollercoaster of a year for me in which a lot of changes have happened in my life. I've gone through lots of personal stuff which was tough, but now that I am through a lot of it I feel better, and I know it has changed me for the better , and basically made me a lot stonger as a person than I was.
I've also been looking back over the progress I have made in dealing with my sexuality this year, and honestly in the 30 or so weeks that I have been a member of this site, I have come to accept and deal with it better than I ever could at any other time in my life. This time last year I was too scared to even look up any gay related sites on my computer just in case anyone ever found out, and here I am now sitting typing my millionth(I'm exagerating) journal entry here on oasis.
In the last year, especially in the last few months I have become so much more comfortable with my queerness. I say queer because honestly I still haven't figured out if I am les or bi. With this new found ease with myself has come the urge to actually really want to come out. Just to some close friends first, and then I'll see how things go from there.
Recently I have really been thinking about it. It seems that I no longer loose sleep because I am worrying about being gay, I loose sleep thinking about wanting to come out. The more I have come to accept that I am not straight the harder it has become to keep lieing to my friends. Honestly I think that most of my friends will actually be fine with it as the subject of being gay has come up a lot lately and none of them seem bothered by it. I know it will be a shock when I tell them, but ultimately they will be ok with it I think. But I know I still have to prepare myself for a bad reaction just incase things go badly. Either way sooner is better than later. One of my friends is trying to play matchmaker at the moment between myself and one of my friends that is a guy, and it is becomming awkward. As far as I am concerned the guy only likes me as a friend and he knows that that is all I feel for him. But I can't help but feel that I really need to clear this up before anyone gets hurt.
So basically to sum up I'm optimistic that 2007 will be a good year. I am planning on coming out (hopefully next week to my best mate), and maybe this time next year I can be celebrating new years with a girlfriend. Or at least with my friends who know the truth of who I am. I know this entry was probably a bit of a ramble but I just felt that the end of the year was a good time to reflect on where I am.
Thanks for reading if you have, and I hope 2007 will be good one for all you guys!