I got to witness another fight between best friend and guardian. I've seen my other best friend, Teri, get in shit by her gramma and dad. A few times. Once I even got in shit with her. It was scary. I mean, we were standing in the middle of main street, glenoce. The only vehicle in the road was her dad's, when he found us. I may have taken a swig of whiskey from a guy i didn't know, but it was in a 7up bottle and her dad wasn't around then. he never knew about that. all he knew was that we were standing in the middle of an empty road with boys at night. oooooh so bad. and i cried when we got yelled at. i've never been yelled at by them. then her dad hugged me because i was crying.
Anyway. Point of this post. I got to see Caitlyn's mom really bitch at her for the first time. Almost every time I go there she gets annoyed with her for small things, like if she forgets to take the dog out for a poo, she'll get annoyed. I can understand that. But...Caitlyn takes it so seriously... I mean, I know she's probably really stressed out and that's why, but she says she takes so much crap from her mom. Then tonight... she really got mad at her. Caitlyn was almost in tears, and I just wanted to cry myself. I hate seeing my friends like that. But when it was just her mom and i, she said she didn't get mad at her that often. I mean, I guess Caitlyn takes those minor annoynces of her mom's as getting yelled at.
Anyway. I basically got stuck in the middle of another family war. Same as at teri's. I understood her mom's side of the story, but I also understand everything Caitlyn is feeling. I always just stand there, looking pathetic and wanting to hold my friend, be it Teri, or Caitlyn. I want to let them cry on my shoulder, but I just stand there.
The same thing happens with me I guess. When i feel my parents are treating me unfairly, I just let it build up for a long time until I get so pissed off that I just lose it. We get in a huge argument, and no matter how much I try to support my side, I always realize that my parents are right. They do have a point, and I understand where they're coming from. I still know what I wanted and why, and have very logical explainations, but I can't say them. Eventually I just give in and agree with them. My problem is, I allow myself to see both sides of an argument. The truth is, no one is right and no one is wrong. The kid is stressed out, wants something different, or feels like the parent is being too hard on them. The parent doesn't understand why, doesn't understand what they're doing to make their kid feel that way. They have their own logical reasons for doing it, but the kid doesn't always see that. So, a fight erupts. And usually, no one wins.
I hate being the middle ground. I hate being able to see both oppinions and respect them both. I know it's good to have a third party to see those things, but why me? It gets confusing, because I never know what side to support. I never know if I should take my friends hand and support her, or if I should lay off and let their parent do the job. I think that if I step in, her mother will think I'm against her, when I'm not. I just don't want to see my best friend cry.
I just hope she will be at school tomorrow. she's almost never at school anymore. I'm starting to get used to that. I mean, it's not like I never see her. But she;'s grounded for two weeks. She said it doesn't matter, that her mom can't do anything and that she can come over to my place. But... As much as i want her to, I don't want her to. I don;t want her to ruin her relationship with her mother even more. i don't want her mother to lose trust in me. I don't want caitlyn's punishment to get even worse. I want to tell her to just wait out the two weeks so her mother will trust her again, so they might not fight as much, but. I don't know. I just feel like it isn't my place. I feel like a lousy friend that way. I'm just... insecure I guess. I can't ever make up my mind, and I never feel like it's my place to try and help someone, no matter how much i want to. Even though I'd probably run away with her if she ever tried to run. Hell, I'd commit suicide if anything ever happened to her. I don't know why, but I feel like my life won't be a life without her. It isn't just love. It's more than a crush I have on a school friend. It feels so much more than that. Sometimes I feel like it's a sisterly bond. Some kind of connection that can't ever break. I feel like I need to protect her. To be by her side always, you know? I don;t know why. It's not some conscious decision I've made. It just... is.
I got jealous today. This guy from school followed me to her place. He's cool, I've never hung out with him before last night, for about 20 minutes while he waited with me for my brother to pick me up from this school thing. he's a nice guy and all. But... he got a little physical with caitlyn. He was just playing around; he has these really, really, REALLY long nails, and he does this amazing thing where he runs them along your arm, or legs, or wherever there is bare skin. Your face even. And it feels GREAT. I didn't erally get turned on by it, it wasn;t that great. Men can't turn me on, no matter how much they try... Anyway. Caitlyn put on a short skirt at one point, and he started doing that to her leg. And... Yeah. I don;'t know what came over me but I suddenly moved in a lot closer to her and kind of... glared at him ever chance I got. Eventually she told him it's uncomfortable and he stopped, but... I didn't mean to, I seriously didn't mean to, but I was jealous. Almost territorial, and I'm not even dating her. i'm afraid I actually am the jealous type, and I...don't want to be. I've never done that before. He even put me on the spot by telling me I'm being very territorial. I didnt say anything... I just turned away and looked at the TV for a few seconds. I couldn't think of anything to say. I would have said "I am not", but I couldn't... because I realized I was.
I'm starting to realize the characteristics I actually have. I mean, over the past few years I've been discovering little personailty traits here and there, but lately... it's like I've discovered a whole new personality. I've learned things about myself I never knew were possible. And I...don't really like all of it. the whole confidence and gay pride thing I love. I love being able to walk up to anyone and start a conversation. I love meeting new people. It's something I've never experienced before, I mean, after growing up so insecure and thinking everyone around me was scrutinizing me. but... realizing that I am a bit of a pussy when it comes to emotions, that I'm always the middle ground in a fight, that I keep so many feelings stored up inside, and of course, that I'm jealous as hell... I don't really know if I completely like who I am. And I don't really know how to change those things, or if I can...