That is how I feel about myself right now. I hid my sexuality from myself, sewed it up then covered that with a nice band aid of denial.
After four days of lurking on this site I finally got my e-mail so I could log in. I just wrote this really long entry and stupid me forgot to save it somewhere else in case the page c hanged or something. So I am starting the whole thing over. Its very frustrating but what can you do.
Anyway last night I found my old journal, a paper one, from two years ago.
As I read through it I couldn't believe how much angst I was filled with, and how much I have changed in those two short years. Okay maybe two years isn't that short but time is not something I understand. It speeds up and slows down and just completely blows me away and sometimes I don't even notice it. I very rarely know what day it is either but its all good.
Getting back to my journal I wanted so badly just to end it all, just swipe that blade across my wrists and be done with it. I was so confused about my sexuality and hopelessly in love with my very straight best friend with no one to talk to about it.
Now I don't want to die. I'm very glad whatever kept me from going through it because there is so much I still want to know about. I can't comprehend how I got through that but I did. Actually I hate to say it but cutting was probably how I kept myself from doing something stupid. I don't do it anymore. I'm really proud of myself for that. Its been about eight months since the last time and when I realized that I was, and am, stronger than that.
My freshman year of high school, I'm a senior now, I came out to all of my friends that I was bisexual but I am pretty sure now that it wasn't true. I like girls and... that’s it.
I have had one serious relationship, it was only for two months but I fancied myself in love with the boy I was . Even though I thought I was in love with him, I felt nothing when we kissed, and the thought of sleeping together never even crossed my mind.
Now I've had a few short relationships. shortest was one day =p, all with boys and they all felt empty. The last one, which ended months ago, I realized that it feels wrong kissing a boy, its almost like I was disgusted with myself. The few kisses I have had with girls, were everything I had expected and so much more.
So I guess I'm not in denial anymore. I really wasn’t last night either, but I tried to come out to my brother and I couldn't. I got so nervous, my heart fluttered so hard I could feel it and in the end I didn't. I tried to get it out but it just wouldn't come. I did give him what I'm sure are a few good hints but he won't push it until I actually say what I'm trying to say. He's really cool like that, and I know he won't judge me, or hate me or feel any different towards me but I can't help being afraid.
Well someday I'll tell him, maybe soon. I think I just need time to adjust myself before I can tell anyone else.
Well I think this entry was longer than the last one but I love to write, and it helps me come to terms with things. I must go get ready for work so good day to everyone.