hardcore....I mean, I usually get a little depressed around the holidays, but tonight, for what ever reason, it hit hard. I started feeling all suicidal and shit, thinking about my friend's sister who committed suicide two weeks ago, all the deaths in our school in the last three years (total of 9 or 10, not counting the two suicides @ the junior high last year). Basically, I just thought about all the bullshit I've survived in my life, all the times I should have died, yet lived, how delusional I have become @ times, and how insane and paranoid I have become,, especially fearful of my father and his side of my family. Basically, I am sick of being depressed;sick of being sick...you know? I think about things, especially during the holidays, and I just can't have a positive thought enter my head.

I dunno. I think back on all the suicide attempts I made when I was younger...all the times my father pulled a gun on me and nearly pulled the trigger, all the bullshit of my dad's family and their war over inheritance and money and shit....I could care less about that shit. But it still gets to me. And on top of that, My mom is really weird at times. Sometimes she is really cool, other times for no apparent reason, unless she's drunk, she flips out. Sometimes I can't stand living with her. And I sure as hell can't live w/ my dad. He is so insane now that I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, though I do feel kind of bad about not talking to him anymore...though it makes his depression worse, it also relieves alot of the stress on me...somewhat. The less I hear him talking about betrayal and murder and shit, the better. Still I feel bad for not talking to him.

I guess as I get older, and the world closes in on me, I feel helpless/ hopeless or whatever. I don't think I can ever live a happy life as a gay man...a relationship is something I don't think is possible for me. As the sabbath lyric goes ' happiness I cannot feel as love to me is so unreal' .

Also, I have begun smoking, which is a bad habit, I know, but I can't help it...sorta. I mean, I bought my first pack of cigaros just before I turned 18, smoked them all (5). but then I bought some real cigars, as a victory for making it to 18 alive, a birthday I honestly never believed I would live to see. So now I have smoked a few swisher sweets, super swishers and some honduran cigars...and I'm starting to get addicted...:(.

Tonight I did go for a long, long walk while depressed though. I listened to some in flames (really good swedish metal band) and smoked a super swisher...I guess it calmed me down a little, though the swishers always affect my brain for some reason...kinda like I'm drunk, only not.

On the plus side, I have begun freeriding again, and one of my friends actually called me up( that never happens) and asked if I wanted to go riding...so I did...And I finally hit that road gap on my local trails that 'd been too pussy to hit...so that was good. later