So recently, a lot has been going on with me. My anti-depressants don't seem to be working anymore, my delusions and temporary loss of sanity moments are coming back, and pressure to get my grades up and do well in school/apply for colleges is getting to me.

My Dad is getting really depressed/angry/sad that I stopped talking to him-I know it;s cruel, but so was the shit he would say and do to my sister and I our whole lives, both physically and verbally (over the phone). All any conversation with him ever turns into is another repeat of the last one. Always bitching about people betrating him, his father's attempts on his life, who he'd like to kill, etc. It's all a bunch of bullshit.

So the other night, we were coming home on the ferry from my sister's 21st birthday celebration. We had met with my aunt, uncle, cousin who had flown up from Cali for the Apple Cup, and my mom, my sis and I. It would have been fun, but my uncle, even though he doesn't know it, always makes me hella nervous. I've actually nearly come out to him several times, like when he'd crack gay jokes and things like that, though I never found them offensive.

anyway, I guess my problem is, everyone else around me seems like their lives are so damn picture-perfect, you know? I was talking with my mom on the ferry, and she said, " you know, you really only have two problems-your father and your depression..."
Well, that's simplifying it just a little. In reality, I suffer from PTSD, serious depression and or bi-polar disorder, and have many mental health issues tied to it that she doesn't know about-and that I don't want her to.

I guess i am slowly losing my mind again. I can't remember anything anymore, and I really have gotten dumber over the last few years dealing w/ my issues. I dunno, I guess I'm just in a rough spot again. anyways, I need to go try and sleep. later

hellonwheels