I can't even begin to conceive the meaning and point to life anymore.
I feel like I want to live, and not die, but I also feel like to find true worth and reason would be like beating a video game. Then it's boring and you want to beat a different one. I tell you there is no point in that. There has to be a final point, and not just a round the merry go round fun fair approach to it all. Then again, I said that's what I feel, and since when have feelings been truly accurate?
I could get a lot more complicated then that, and I have, just with other people. I've come to notice that being a pessimist isn't a job most want, and on top of that, most people don't even want to hear about it. I'm just good enough to get their attention, and then send them away, more negative then they've ever needed to be with my witty cynicism about the pointlessness of life and why my existence isn't one of purposeful meaning as an attachment to their gloom.
It is also unconceivable, to me, that anyone would want to listen. People do and I see it, but when they are done for just a while, cause that's all it takes, I still manage to reiterate how they are wasting their time.
I'm getting more and more confused each day, and that's kind of the point of this entry. To say that I am confused is to make it so simple, it doesn't carry enough meaning and momentum then. What I've said above should, in some way, show the confusion.
The real point of this letter is actually created very recently in my mind. I had something of an argument with my dad, and it was about the things I've been discussing with everyone lately, and in this entry.
I'm sure you've noticed things seem pretty pointless to me. Things do seem pretty pointless but that is not what concerns me. What concerns me is that to be pointless, does NOT deserve the title that existance has to offer. I don't want to be alive if I don't have a purpose, a point, some kind of meaning.
I don't care if you say I've got one somewhere, cause I see it just the same. The difference is I know that it's not good enough. No one else seems to understand that.
Now then, to the bone of this entry. I don't feel like I want to die, I don't want to and I most certainly don't want to kill myself and I've said it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. I've never stopped believe it.
I want to wake up tomorrow to all those pointless points that define my life, I do, but to keep seeing them is something I wish not to bear. Pointless points may be pointless points but they do have a point and that point is to point out there is not point. When there is no point, reason for existence ceases.
In case some of you aren't following let me spell it out for you. I have no point, so I should not be alive.
It's hard to say, but it is what I feel, no matter how wrong.
I'm just wondering, that's all, if I don't want to die, but there seems to be no reason to live...how long will it be before I crack under the pressure of the hammer? When will I die in the embryonic fluid still left in my egg as I am unable to break free of the shell?
I don't want to die. Period. But I'm sick of trying to figure out why I don't want to.
It's like being happy, I always get concerned when I'm happy. I can never TRULY prove why I am happy, but I can ALWAYS prove why I shouldn't be.