Coming out...
I've wondered on several occasions in the past couple of years of my life how much easier, or just plain not easy my life would be if I came out of the closet.
I have two counselors and one of them doesn't count anymore because she no longer provides her services. The one I still have contact with has always remained adamant about this subject, and how it involves me. Then again I wonder if his reasoning for this is backed by something potentially illogical?
My counselor thinks that I might not be gay. He's said it over and over and by no means does he make it some kind of stringency in what he speaks of but more like a potential in my future. He says that right now I might simply be "more male oriented." My counselor means no harm and by no means is he the true subject of this entry so let us not focus on him.
What I'm trying to say is that there are other reasons for me not being out yet. I don't necessarily believe that I'm simply "more male oriented," at this time but I do believe that my life would definitely become complicated if I did come out.
I simply, at this time, see more negatives in my coming out than positives. It doesn't help that I am in a small town either.
Some of you here are probably concerned about coming out when you have so many resources at hand. Associations at school, communities with parents and programs they've created for young gays and they've even got names for them all! I'm so alone with this "gay" that this town hasn't even come to grips with an understanding as to why there would even need to be such things. I am alone. So I hope some of you understand that you have the potential, we've all got to step up sooner or later though. For some of you that will be easier.
Not for me however.
I've only rejoined this site last week and I've already seen so many people struggling with just the notion of coming out, to their friend or to their parents and I wonder why its not something of a more common nature here.
This is a site for gays and even trans gendered and yet it seems that in every entry I've read we talk as if we are alone or our troubles are so complex they can not be bordered by anyone else's troubles.
Now isn't that silly dilly???
So maybe this entry isn't all about my coming out. Maybe its more about how I wonder why were all asking the same thing, just in different situations here?
Why does it appear that no one reaches out to the many people searching for the right in their life of a different sexuality?
I've read responses to entries regarding the subject of coming out and am surprised at the level of utter disregard that appears in the voices of the responders. It's like its just another thing. It is, but it doesn't usually feel like that.
The point of this site, in my opinion is to help, yet it seems that because it was created specifically for this one topic, all the help that can be given is not as strong or present as it could be, because everyone here seems to be with some variation of the same problem.
So I was just wondering, my problems set aside... can any one tell me why you fear coming out? What is there to lose in a world fifty times more acceptive today than thirty years ago?
I know there will be some very understandable answers, but I also wonder if anyone has ever taken time to think about the question.
Laterz.
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Comments
I've definitley thought about
I've definitley thought about it, i can't say i really know. Maybe it's because I'm shy, and secretive, and still insecure about the topic of sex. Maybe it's because I still consider myself unworthy to date because for so long I thought I'd be happy, if only guys liked me. That whole time i never thought that maybe it was that i didn't like them. So it's weird.
I do have a very accepting enviorment. Sure, it would be awkward a bit. My mom would make a big scene and occassionally try to stop me from hanging out with whoever "turned me gay", but it's not like i have much of a relationship with her, anyway. My friends might ask why i didn't tell them earlier, but that's the most of it. I know I'm safe, though. I won't get kicked out or disowned or harrassed or anything. I should come out. Bottom line, I'm a wimp.
Really, i think it's nice that we're all asking the same question. It makes us seem less alone. Sure, there are people who are living as open GBLT, and we see them. But it's each other that we don't see, the kids with insecurities who can't even tell their friends and family for whatever reason. I like this site because it's a reminder that I'm not alone in this. It is a very personal struggle, but there are a lot of people doing the same thing. Comforting, you know?
wow
wow you're name (thinks) is so perfect for you. you do a LOT of thinking that of wich i could have never accomplished without someone else there to help me along. i admire you for that and because this is completely off topic of what i would imagine you would like people to respond to this entry, im going to attept to reply to that. here i go.
what i assume (and im sorry about this assumption folks) is that with so few states (in the us) that are reconizing us as a married couple or whatever. and then with all those religeons out there who are against it, and then the every so odd person that IS gay/bi/something in the mitst of that religeon would get like, i dunno something bad. and theres the persons' family, who's parental units could be really against it like my friends who thinks shes bi.
well what can i say to you? thats just about the exstent of my thoughts on this topic and if i have any more i promise to tell them to you and help you answer that question of yours. ok?
good question
I think there are a lot of reasons that scare me about coming out.For example I have led my friends to believe that I am straight because for so long I couldn't deal with being gay.Also my own doubts about whether I'm bi or gay,though I think I'm more secure in that now.Then there is my family,I don't really know how they will take it.I know these are all things I will eventually have to deal with,but for now I'm just not ready to be seen as different by the world,though I'm working hard to try and free myself and come out.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt
;-)
Thanks for replying. I do think that its a real personal thing and that we can take comfort here. Thanks for that insight Vegan.
And I see all of those things you mentioned as problems for so many of us lost.
I can relate to what your saying Ghost, and I feel like I'm in the same boat. I don't wonder whether I'm Bi or not though, but I'm still confused about it, especially with what my therapist says!
Thanks for your insights.
If the dishes are cleaned but come out with crud on them, is it clean crud or dirty crud?
Speaking as someone intensive
Speaking as someone intensively involved with Oasis for consecutive clumps of months a year or two ago, and then who slowly started logging on less and less, I think part of the reason why there is a certain type of people on here is because many people who have come out or who are no longer struggling with their sexuality no longer need the site anymore. They have gay friends, or they're too busy to log on, or they've at lease come to grips with their sexuality and moved on with their life. The people on Oasis have not yet moved on, or their sexuality is still new to them. I've seen many people come and go on this site, and while I can't attest to what has replaced their time online, I can guess that it was a similar story to mine. At first, an anonymous support community was a marvel--I could learn about queerness in safety and unembarassed. As I learned and became more comfortable with the ideas, it didn't matter as much anymore.
Now I have started to question my gender, but it isn't as big a deal to me. I have a lot bigger things going on, and it's more like, meh, I could be genderqueer, but that would involve a wardrobe change, wouldn't it? I am who I am, and I wear what clothes I wear, and I feel lke the rest doesn't matter too much. I probably would have panicked at such a revelation two years ago, or not have been ready to understand it. Oasis gave me the gift of coming out to myself when I was still adjusting, and now I have gone on to live my life and become myself.
I think people did used to give more advice in the old days, but it's very possible my memory is fuzzing things over. I know that when I felt like I could answer a question or that no one had commented, I would write something. Not everyone does that.
Listen--about coming out, don't feel any guilt or misgivings about coming out now if you don't feel ready or if it feels unsafe. It makes sense to choose a good place and time. If you're going to college soon, it might be better to wait. I'll be taking a gap year next fall, and while I'd love to go to a gay-friendly or -populated place, I'm not sure how possible that will be. If I fall in love with a program in an inhospitible culture, I may have to be closeted. Such goes life. But if you want to post more about it, people will listen.
No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day