Haha! I've probably written something in here or as replies on this site like, 10 times now! I keep not pushing the post sign though. Its been really hard to talk lately on the computer or phone...or person. Its just been hard to talk lately!
Nothings really been going on with me. I have always had little periods of time where I am so weird and social anxietied that I don't want to see anyone I know. I get so mad at myself too! I wish I was normal!! In more than one way!! And I always feel so bad about feeling bad because I have a great life! Nothing appears to be wrong with me but I swear I am seriously screwed up mentally. I don't think other people have the same sort of thought processes that I have! I can't even explain how I think. Maybe thats why I can never explain anything to people.
Showing emotion is hard for me too! If I'm sad or excited or happy or angry, it all pretty much comes out the same....silence. I know when I was younger I liked to not show when I was sad and I didn't like to get all schrieky when I was excited and I felt embarassed for the kids who did. I have picked apart everything that I feel other people do that is embarassing or doesn't suit them and then have said to myself "I'll never do that". The problem is that I have said that about so many things that I pretty much have not allowed myself to do anything! And I am too afraid to do anything so all I do is wait around for some group thing to happen so I can go out with the group so that there is no pressure on me to talk. I know I am probably one of the most boring people in the world and I feel sorry for people who get stuck in hanging out with me. When I was first discovering that I might be gay, I made myself believe that all of my problems were because of it. But know I realize that by doing that it makes me hate myself more if I do admit that I'm gay. So I'm trying to figure out where my problems really come from so that I can try to fix them. I just have to stop being so lazy and afraid and take action to fix them!!
**This is a rant, but I'm not mad, or sad....just getting it out.