I've been confused recently, for the first time in awhile really. I mean confused about my sexual orientation of course.
I haven't questioned whether I'm gay or not, I know I am now more than ever before. I'm truly in it for the long run now. However, I also wondered whether I'm not only comfortable being gay, but also happy being it. I even said to a friend that I'm not happy being gay. At least I thought I wasn't.
I didn't (and still haven't) analysed whether or not being straight would be better for me. In some ways I guess it would. More normal, a lot easier socially and probably emotionally too. Ignoring the fact that I couldn't be straight if I tried (and I have), and assuming some pill could change my orientation, I don't think I would. I've come to the conclusion that I am sick of feeling that I should betray who I am because of pure fucking ignorance. And that is all it is, ignorance. All this religious crap. All this homophobic fuckedness. It's all so ignorant and wrong, and it even cast doubts in my mind - am I sinning? Am I going to go to hell, if it exists? I even questioned if I really did choose to be gay, if I was just giving in to temptation.
It angers me to think I even contemplated these possibilities. What utter bollocks. I hate aspects of the gay community - the true sluts for one, that don't use a condom and that spread aids with no thought for anyone or anything else but their own orgasm. But I've met more and more gays, and we are a wonderful personality type. As unreligious as I am, I am so, so confident that if God's up there looking down, he doesn't hate us anymore than the next person. I'm absolutely convinced of it. We're not dirty, we're not perverts, and I hate those that think we are. We're as diverse in personality, culture, thoughts, feelings and faces as heterosexuals, and this is something I've come to realise I feel especially passionate about.
I didn't feel so passionately before because I hadn't ever started to dislike myself. But I refuse to dislike myself, at least not for being gay, and particularly not by being convinced by the queer haters.
'K I think that's it, rant over.