Well, now my dad knows. I was feeling really down at a restaurant we were eating at, and he asked me about this and it all sort of...came out. (no pun intended) I felt more comfortable talking to him about it than I've ever felt with my mom. He came over to my side of the table and put his arm around me, and he actually listened to me instead of giving me half-@$$ed "advice" about how I should wait until I'm older to "decide this" and blah-de-blah-blah. I wanted to keep talking with him, but my mom kept saying that I needed to go out to the car and that I shouldn't be crying in front of everyone in a restaurant. Give me a break. No one was even looking at our table. She was really, really uncomfortable and kept acting like she wanted me to shut up and quit talking about this and quit being such a freak. She seems to think that this is completely stupid of me and that I should be able to stay closeted without feeling any pain, no problem. Dang it, I hate this! Why can't she just get over whatever prejudices she has and be a loving parent to me?? Lord knows I need it.
I've always felt more comfortable talking to my dad than my mom. She's one who always expects me to be a straight A student, a completely together, mature person, and to be able to take care of myself all the time without any help. But Dad... He tries to understand me. He doesn't just assume that he's the one who knows best and that he's right and I'm in the wrong. He listens to me. And I mean seriously listens to me. He
doesn't reassure me all the time that I can always talk to him if I need it and then assumes that I'm wrong, he listens and really tries to improve on what he's doing to help me. I know my mom means well, but she
just tells me what to do about my problems and that's it. She doesn't listen very well, she just picks up enough information in order to reach a conclusion about what I'm going through (whether it's right or wrong)
and tells me what she believes I should do. She had a really crappy childhood, and I think that since she had such a bad time as a kid, that she wants me to have a much better life than she did. And honestly, she's done a very good job at that, but sometimes it's like since she's made such a good life for me, she expects me to have absolutely no problems, even though I'm entering my teenage years and everybody knows how turmoiled that time is. I mean, seriously! I'm not perfect! And yet most of the time, she seems to expect me to be so! It absolutely SUCKS!!
It's like she's ashamed of me. I've asked her what she thinks about me being a lesbian twice, and both times she's said "I'm fine with it. But I think you should take more time to decide this and make sure that you're
sure about it." I think I've taken PLENTY of time to "decide this", Mom! Every night, unless I'm extremely tired, I think about my sexual orientation and how it's possible that I could be such a freak. And every
night, I come up with PLENTY of evidence pointing to a big red sign that says, "YOU'RE GAY!! DEAL WITH IT!!" And every night, I try to hold back tears and wonder about many things, like why my mom isn't being honest
with me. She tells me she's fine with this, but every freakin' time the topic of my sexuality comes up in a conversation, she always acts freakin' uncomfortable with my freakin' "unnatural" attraction to girls!! I HATE IT!! Dang it, Mom, I need your support, not your freakin' uncomfortableness!! And even if you can't get past being uncomfortable, I want you to be honest with me and talk to me about your feelings about this!! The response, "I'm fine with it" is getting old!! It's pretty darn obvious that you aren't, so STOP LYING TO ME!!
Ugh. I keep wondering about whether my mom and dad have found this web site yet. I wonder if they've read any of my journal entries. I sure hope my mom reads this one, because I for one am sick and tired of trying to batter down the brick wall she's put between us!! It's taken me so much just to ask her those couple of times "Are you okay with my sexuality?" She's made it pretty clear she's isn't, whether it was intentional or not.