Last night I started looking at my mom's corny romance novels she's always reading. I don't know how I know they're corny, since I've only tried reading one of them before. I hate them. On the back you always read about the same kinds of plots: "guy meets girl, guy pursues girl", "guy meets girl from his past, tries to seduce her", "girl meets guy, guy wants her, but she has a terrible secret". On one of the covers of the books I saw this guy who I guess is supposed to be attractive. I mean, he has that "sexy smirk" thing going on and all of that. But all I could think was, "Jeez, that guy needs to shave!" But I could tell he's supposed to be attractive, and my mom would probably have asked me, "Isn't he hot?"
I don't know why I'm dissecting covers with guys on them. I guess I'm sort of...ashamed of my sexuality. I mean, I used to be attracted to guys. I was expected to. But then I discovered my feelings for girls, and...girls are just so much better. So my attraction to guys faded away. And besides, I've had feelings for girls in the past, I just haven't noticed them. It's amazing how much you don't know about yourself when you're a little kid. But right now, I have next to no feelings for guys. I can tell when a guy is supposed to be good-looking, but I'm not really attracted to him myself. And I'm, I dunno, ashamed of it. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I've been acting like it really is something to be ashamed of. I've never talked about at school, because I don't think I'm ready to come out yet, and the only time I talk about it at home is when my mom and dad aren't around. Maybe I'm ashamed of having to hide my crushes and stuff, while other girls are constantly saying to their friends things like "Oh, isn't John so hot?" Maybe that's why I have barely any REAL friends at school. Most people are just acquaintances and/or want good help with their assignments. I can't really share much about myself, or I'd be the laughingstock of the school.
It stinks. I've never really had a best friend, anyways. I've never really been able to tell all of my secrets to somebody else and be sure that they were in safe hands. Nobody except my sister, that is, and that's kind of sad. I truly appreciate her friendship, but I wish that I had someone other than my sister to talk to. I actually came out to a couple of other girls this school year, and amazingly enough, they didn't care, and they didn't tell anybody else! They didn't really seem to know much about homosexuality, and they've asked me questions like, "How did you turn gay?" Ugh. I don't think I gave them very good answers, either. I hate it when people put me on the spot like that.
At school, I have this reputation that I just try to be who I am, no matter what. I've pretty much accepted everything else weird about me, since my love for comic books, Star Wars, and screaming along to James
Brown's song, "I Feel Good" is almost nothing compared to this. Since I've discovered I'm attracted to girls, I've told myself, "There is nothing you can do to change your sexuality, the movies you like, the music
you like, or anything else, so why not just accept it?" I've done well with everything except that bit about my sexuality.
Is this a rant or not? I have no clue. I guess it is, since I've been rambling on about a bunch of pointless things. Or could it pass for a normal journal entry? I have no idea.