Well, I've been feeling depressed lately. I keep wondering about my sexuality, whether I'm really a lesbian
or not, whether I should tell my parents or family, etcetera etcetera. Argh. I just had this sob session in
my room where I cried while listening to Melissa Etheridge. This is insane. I wish I had someone else who's
gay outside of the Internet who I could talk to. And I do--my gay grandmother is coming to visit tomorrow.
Should I tell her or shouldn't I? I don't know if she'd believe me or not. I mean, she's in her 60's now...I
don't know when she realized she was a lesbian. But dang it, I want to talk to someone about this who'll
understand! My younger sister knows about me, and she doesn't care, but she's straight as a board, so it's
not the same as talking to another gay person. And she has her own problems going on, so she needs to talk
to me about them, too. Most of the time it's like we're having a contest over who can switch the conversation
to their own problems faster.
I watched a movie called "Bewitched" with my mom this morning. It was this sappy film starring Nicole Kidman
and Will Ferrell. Heterosexual romance always depresses me. I'm always thinking at the end of the movie
(which always turns out happy), "Why can't I have a girlfriend like that?" I mean, Nicole Kidman is HOT in
that movie. I hate heterosexual romance because whenever I watch it, I'm like, "Get that guy to quit kissing
the girl and insert a woman in there instead!" I hate how the guy is always supposed to be good-looking to
women, even though I can't see what's so attractive about Will Ferrell anyways. I hate how they're always
broad-shouldered and the picture of manliness. I'm sick of it! No offense to the guys on here, but I don't
see what's so attractive about men anyways! Their bodies are all hard angles; I like curves. If I have to
pick a guy who I think is hot, I'd probably pick some slender guy. I don't like broad shoulders; I think
they look like a really thick piece of posterboard.
I thought I had accepted my sexuality, but I really don't know if I have. Dang it, I want there to be more
dating options for me out there than to either- 1) Just go out with a boy and suck it up. 2) Be by myself
all the time when it comes to school dances and such. 3) Meet someone on the Internet who could turn out to
be a creepy stalker. 4) Stay at home and sulk.
I mean, come ON!! I hate this! My sister has a crush on a guy who actually likes her back, while I have a
crush on a girl who's my best friend, and who is a Christian. She doesn't seem comfortable with homosexuality.
When I told her that I'm trying to start a Gay-Straight Alliance at our school, she got sort of...quiet. I
had to do the talking. I asked her, "I know, that probably sounds weird, right?" She nodded.
It's not FAIR!! Why do I have to be the only freak I know?? My grandmother is comfortable with her
sexuality, and has been together with the same woman for years. She's not a freak. She's a person. But I
feel like I am. I know I'm a person too and all that jazz, but I still feel bad about myself.
I wish there were films about lesbian romance or at least a lesbian teen. I've heard about Brokeback
Mountain and Trevor, but nothing based solely on a gay female. These movies about gay men are supposed to
be making a difference in the world, and they are, but I want to see something that I can relate to,
something for people of my own gender. It's like people are basically more freaked out about male
homosexuality than they are about lesbianism! I mean, it's guys at my school that are teased about being gay
most of the time, not girls, and anybody who's watched the last American Idol finale saw the "Best Male
Bonding" award that was given out. I mean, they made fun of two men simply giving each other a hug! Hugs
and even occasional kisses on the cheek are normal among women, but with men, noooo, they have to stay their
stupid macho selves. They can't hug each other, they can't cry, they have to be strong all the time for the
women out there, or else they're gay.
I know that there's just as much prejudice against lesbians, but people don't try to challenge that as much!
There aren't any movies about gay women, no sirree, they just get saddled with supporting roles in movies
with straight characters for leads.
Augh. I'm going to try and alleviate my depression by looking up "lesbian films" on Google and Wikipedia.org
to see if there really ARE any lesbian films out there. I'm buying them as soon as possible if there are.