Well, it's been forever since I've done one of these things, so this will pretty much be a random rambling of my life right now, as it is going...

So basically, we are registering for out next year's classes tomorrow....I don't know what i'm gonna take, but it is getting really stressful, especially since graduation requirements change all the time...I dont think I'm taking any AP classes though...I've got enough to deal w/ already...Ok, so onto other school stuff...I am still struggling w/my falling grades and I dont think I'll get them back up in time for summer...It's really getting me down, because I'm a total perfectionist and I dont think I like , scratch that, I know I don't like failing...or the idea of summer school...

On the bright side, im still not talking to my dad, even though he has been trying to talk to me for about three months and I am worried/ anxious, anticipating what he might do, especially lately, as he's on a new drug w/ some bad side affects...I don't know...
Another thing that is going on is that I have started questioning whether I'm bi or gay again...I was so sure that i was gay, as I really have been for a long time, but in the last two weeks, I've found myslef looking @ girls in a different way and I am confused as hell, because I'm attracted to them, as well as guys, but guys over girls by far. Am I bi w/ a preference to guys? I guess it will all be figured out in time...

Well, today in my PE class, and yesterday, the guy I kinda like was talking to another guy who has a gay brother about the outed gay guys in our school and how stereotypical they are...he was also saying those few guys go along w/ stereotypes just for the atttention, which is totally true...I think matt is gay as well, but I can't prove it, other than that he's flirted w/ me a few times...He also transferred into the expert bracket of pickleball, when he can barely hit the ball and I think the only reason he did was so he could get closer to me...I don't know why I think that, I just do...Also, every time we line up or need to choose partners for a drill or something, he automatically runs over to me...It's kinda freaking me out a little...I guess I just don't like the attention or something...And Im definently not ready to be in a gay relationship...or even a friends w/ benefits kinda thing...Im just homophobic like that...

Anyway, Matt keeps hitting on me and I'm not sure I like the attention...BTW, if you've read my older journals, It's the same guy that wanted me to train w/ him for the bike race...

My insanity is also taking its toll on my life...on a daily basis, I just have these almost uncontrollable urges to snap ppl's necks or just fuckin' knock the shit out of somebody...I've just been really depressed and pissed off lately...My PTSD, Depression and Bi-polar disorder are fucking controlling my life as usual, and the threat of my father showing up out of nowhere, unannounced and the threat of my aunt showing up looking for my dad are also leading to a lot of un-necessary anxiety...I am so sick of all their bullshit...and all the bullshit memories I have because of them and my douchebag grandfather...IDK, I'm just in a bad place, as usual....GOD, I need to get on some fucking drugs...stupid hippie mom...she thinks meditation and 'natural healing' work for me....Newsflash bitch...It's been four fucking years, if not longer and they haven't worked yet....I dont know, my mom seriously pisses me off sometimes...

Oh, yeah, x-c season is coming up too, so I have too start training 4 that...ne ways, thats basically the update on my boring and eventless life...later