Well, my life as of late has been pretty depressing...it's spring break and all i've done is sit on my ass, go to the library for school stuff and go skateboarding....that's all week...all of my friends are either gone or making up some excuse not to hang out w/ me, as usual, and my dad keeps calling and leaving bs messages on the phone....
god, this week has sucked...isn't spring break supposed to be a fun time to take a break from school and blow off some steam? cuz mine definitly hasn't been like that...
All week, pressure from old peers has been getting to me...i almost smoked pot the other day, something i never thought i'd ever even consider, cause i've seen a lot of people killed by drugs in my life-far too many...
I also got kinda wasted the other night when my mom was on a trip w/ her friends and i had a whole bottle of vodka i got out of my sister's trunk...i was pretty drunk on thursday night, to the point that i passed out and fell onto my bed...it was pretty bad...i downed half a bottle of cheap, 90 proof vodka...yeah, that doesn't really help the depression...
oh, i was just gonna get to that...i'm still not on meds ....god damn my mom, she konws i'm dealing w/ all kinds of issues, and she knows that two doctors and one psychiatrist agree i need to be on meds, otherwise it most likely means my eventual suicide, which they are probably right about, since i've been suicidal before...god i need to be on some kind of pills...i can't fucking focus on school anymore, my ptsd and my depression and my bi-polar are taking control of my life once again...i am stuck in the same place i was three years ago- in a pit of filth...life is always shit for me...can't stand my memories, can't stand the knowledge i have of my father and his family, can't stand that im gay and just can't go on this way...it's like im constantly trapped in this hell, constantly caught up in my family's war and a war w/ myself...i just hate all the pressure, the lack of friends and the school stuff...it's like my life has once again collapsed onto me and i don't know what in the hell to do...
well, if you've read this far, thank you...a funny thing did happen today though. My dad left a message on our answering machine that said " if life isn't going well for you up there, move down here w/ me" I was like WTF? frist off, i've told him moving in w/ him would fuck up my credits and effect my high school graduation and second off, him and his insanity and his war w/ his sid eof the family and all the shit they did is half of my problems...what a fucking retard...the fact that he thinks i would even consider moving in w/ him...
i don't know...it seems like every time things start to get better for me, something else happens to come along and totally screw things up again...thanks for reading...