As a 20-year old young woman, I am somehow supposed to retain idealism through constant reminders of how crappy things are by my professors. It's especially rough when your Economics class follows your sociology class, and you wonder who'e telling you the truth: Is it the Market, or greedy fat-cats making billions who just don't care and have turned their backs on the minorities of the world, proliferating injustice, and a heterosexist patriarchical society?
This is not to say I do not understand why each person says what they do; each has been threaded through different needles,ground up into different consistencies with different experiences and accepted sociopolitical norms attached. Then there are the professors who say that "oh, well, you can always go to the University of Pittsburgh for law school", even though I want Berkeley, NYU or Stanford, as if those were not within my reach, my grasp, my scope of ability. You went to San Diego State and then Rutgers...Not as if YOU have anything to necessarily brag about. And then go on about an obsession with Indian casinos and their detrimental affects on society. Man, college used to sound so nice. Now it sounds like somewhat of a shit deal. The only thing going for me, that's keeping me alive is the fact that I'm going to be in DC in the fall, learning about the government that has disappointed me so much in my brief lifetime. But the hole still remains in my soul.
The idea of a soul-mate is one which seems intangible, something that can only BE an idea, not a glowing reality. But I am fixated on making this reality, without knowing where to start. I am a loser and I haven't even tried yet. Am I going to end up like Charlie Brown, simply passing the little Red-Headed Girl and never telling her that she is the one I love, I owe the beating of my heart to, the one who can reiterate those same sentiments back to me? Or is this just craziness. The fact is that my first love, the sick perversion of my soul, was and is a woman who has given her life to soemthing beyond me and her. She doesn't even know my feelings, I will never tell, cannot, because Heaven seems farther from my reach every day, and going any further would only make it worse. I'm kind of not too keen of the dark, although I've lived in it enough.
To all those young people who think that college is going to mean automatic freedom- for some, you may find that immediately. But for most, you realize that being on your own is a bondage that no one can enjoy, that people are needed, and that companionship, love and life-long commitment are not just trifles, but things that really matter, that nothing is compromised if you are satisfied, along with your partner. I wish I find that, and it's scary to think that I might not, so I'm not going to think that way, not yet, maybe not ever. I guess I have to be idealistic after all. Nothing's for certain, except for tomorrow. Might be quite nice, who knows? ;)