Random things
Well, this is pretty much gonna be a rant about things that are going on right now for me and just some random stuff....Hmm, conferences were two days ago and i am doing way worse than I thought I was. In my chemistry class, apparently I'm missing two assignments and because of that and a low test-score, I now have an 'F' for my grade. That just sucks...In my math, due to a missing assignment and a bad test score, I have a 'D' and now I have to study to retake a test , which will be hard due to my lack of concentration and other issues... God, I don't know how I'm gonna finish high school...My cumulative GPA is now down to a 3.1 , with little hope of recovery... That freakin sucks. God, my grades keep falling which is definently not helping my depression....On top of that, I have a huge history paper due in like six weeks and my history teacher was on a trip during the meeting w/ all my other teachers that my counselor arranged, so he has no idea what is going on w/ me.. I'm pretty much screwed on that assignment.
Then, on top of school issues, my depression continues to get worse. None of my friends, no matter how hard i try, probably because I'm gay, never want to hang out with me anymore...It's freaking depressing...I guess i just don't have a social life...But my depression and my bi-polar disorder as well as my ptsd have pretty much taken control over my life...I'm probably just boring everyone on here reading this if you've gotten this far...lol
I guess I just can't get out of my depression...Probably cause I can't change the fact that I'm gay...I just don't accept and can't bring myself to accept the fact that i'm gay...It is something I had no choice in and no control over, but I don't want to be gay...It sucks... And I do have a choice in it because I and only I can choose to engage in a relationship w/ another guy.
And, I feel kinda confused right now because there is a guy in my pe class who im almost sure is gay, who keeps flirting w/ me and I like the guy, but i just cant admit im gay...and i sure as hell am not ready to be in a relationship...god im so confused...I guess i'm just in that spot of denial and i can't see myself ever getting out of it...Honestly, I can't see myself in a same-sex relationship...ever. It would probably be the end of me... Literally.
On top of all the issues of school and ptsd and being a fag and all that other bullshit, I am in a financila tight spot, and I am really out of shape, which prevents me from riding my bike hard , which is one of the only things that ever allows me to blow off steam...god damn, im just under way too damn much stress...i just can't deal w/ it all right now...And becaus eof that, i can't concentrate on school, which drops my grades, which, cause i'm an ex- 3.9 GPA perfectionist, depresses me even more.
On top of that, I have stopped talking to my dad, which increases some of my anxiety... My father is seriously a scary guy. He is extremely religious(sometimes) , bi-polar, schizophrenic, ptsd and ocd and paranoid....He, and the rest of my father's side of the family were involved in a bunch of scketchy crap and he has access to the kinds of guns the average person will only ever see in movies....Honestly I stopped talking to him cause every concersation we ever had always turned into a rant about betrayal and how if he weren't in and out of the hospital all the time, he would go back and kill everyone who ever betrayed him... And now that I've stopped talking to him, my anxiety is only increased cause he can snap on you in a second and go off into a rage... on top of that, he is probably suicidal again, cause he has been his whole life (understandably) and ever since my sis stopped talking to him, he has been on a constant downfall...
I'm worried what he's gonna or might do, whether he's gonna show up at school and make a scene, blame the fact that we're not talking to him on my mom and take out his rage and or anger on her... I just dont know what to do about him...He's my father , but he's never been a father figure, he's abusive and he's a criminal and he's an asswhole who only cares about his guns and his cars and his money and his motorcycles...
I'm just in a very depressing, very bad spot in life right now and I have been all year....I don't know what I'm gonna' do... Why the hell cant my hippie of a mom just realize that i need to be on some sort of drug to help balance my depression and my bi-polar disorder. I just don't know what the hell i'm gonna due. My life is just one constant trainwreck and I can't see any light @ the end of the tunnel...Sorry for wastign your time...
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Comments
First of all, never apologize
First of all, never apologize. You certainely did not waste anyone's time by expressing how you feel. If all that stuff is on your mind, it's important to you.
Second. I know this sounds crazy, but your life will get better. Believe. I went through depression and ended up in the hospital for six weeks because of my battle with anorexia. I had to drop out of college and all that fun stuff.
Do this for me. Every day, try and focus on one good thing that you have going for you. When you go to bed at night, think of things that you feel proud of. The whole idea is to give your mind a rest and get everything that's bothering you out of your head, even for a few minutes.
Take care, and if you ever need to talk some more, I'll do my best to help!
*hugs*
Peace, and take care,
-gondilyn
"If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got."
In other words, take risks people! ^_^;;
Well...
Having a huge list of things stacked against you is never good, because it helps you see everything as insurmountable. Like, there is just TOO MUCH for you to overcome, etc.
I guess the thing is take everything one step at a time, and slowly, it will turn around.
With all of these mental things, you should really see someone to assess whether you need drugs to keep you on a more balanced level. Just like your mom shouldn't advise against it, you shouldn't be self-diagnosing everything. Leave that to a qualified third party.
For school, your GPA isn't shot yet. Talk to your teachers individually and see if they will letyou hand in your missed assignments late or do something for extra credit. They are not there to work against you, and any decent teacher will give you a shot at redemeption.
For your dad, be selfish. Do what serves you best. If being around him results in anxiety, avoid him as best you can. Don't use his issues as excuses for anything you do, either, though. Focus on what you can do to improve your life. His life is his job.
As for your sexuality, here's the likelihood, you're either gay or bi. I mean, you're hot for a guy in your class, and well, straight guys aren't hot for guys in their class. So, call it gay or bi, and leave it for later. It will sort itself out in due time.
As for working out, riding your bike, go out and do what you can. The only way to increase your fitness level to the point where it was is to go do something, then the next day, you will be able to go a little further, a little faster, and then it will come back.
Getting physical activity is very important when it comes to depression and such, so if there is the option of riding your bike or writing on Oasis about everything that is going wrong, always pick the bike. Not to mention, a lot of depression meds cause some people to gain weight, for various reasons, so getting a handle on your fitness will be important here, or else you will have one more thing to dwell on that further depresses you.
Always remember, you aren't a victim to the life you have. You are living the life you are choosing. Ride your bike. Talk with the boy in class. Find out if your insurance covers you seeing a shrink who can assess your need for depression/bi-polar drugs (do you need your parents' permission to see a shrink/get drugs, if your family insurance covers all of that? I'm nor sure). Talk to your teachers and try and bring your grades up. and if your mom is truly a hippie, get her on your side here. Tell her what you are going through and that you need help, with as much as you are comfortable telling her. If your father has a lot of these issues, it seems like it shouldn't surprise her and her instinct (although initially might be to avoid the issue) should ultimately be to help you.
well....
First off, jeff, I am gay, not bi , and am clinically depressed due to that as diagnosed by my psychiatrist, I am also PTSD as diagnosed by my psychiatrist and the bi-polar is likely , but too early to diagnose according to two of my doctors.My teachers are aware of my situation somewhat due to the conference we had w/ them, but the class effecting my grade the most's teacher does not know about my issues and I don't feel comfortable telling him.As for my dad, he is a really scary guy, if you want details message me. His whole family is really screwed up. As for working out, it's hard but I will get back into shape. Thanks 4 the advice.Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman
OK then...
If you have ben diagnosed with these things by a doctor, why wouldn't you be on medication for them?
I guess my concern is that if your family situation is bad, you cannot let your studies suffer as a result, because your grades in school are what will let you escape your family and go to college. If you can't deal with your dad and his family, your best bet is to get away from them and live your life.
well....
I'm not on meds yet for many reasons...First off, im diabetic so many dont work well w/ diabetes and the docs aren't sure what i'll respond to and what i won't but also because it is a little early to fully diagnose the bi-polar and they can't give me anything for the ptsd so yeah...That's why I'm not on meds...Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman
Hey
Hey, don't let life get you down! I know it seems like everything is really bad right now but it'll get better. I know that depression and bipolar disorder can be really tough (my friend's mom has gone through a lot of stuff related to those) and if you think that you need medication then you need to confront your mom about it, and if she can't be reasoned with then maybe try your school's counselor. You are completely right about the whole dating thing, only you can make the choice to get involved with someone, and if you're not ready to do so then you don't have to! As for the whole grades thing, I know exactly how you feel. My GPA went down again this last semester and I don't think i'm going to get into the schools I want to now. Plus I too am a perfectionist and it really sucks! Hey i'm sorry about your dad, it sounds like he's having a rough time too and that certainly isn't good for you right now. I really hope things get better for you!!!
P.S. Don't ever think your posts are a waste of time!!
P.P.S. There's a light at the end of the tunnel for you! I just know it!!!
"The French are glad to die for love, they delight in fighting duels. But I like a man who lives, and gives expensive jewels"