I fell into bed, still unsure of what to feel.
I had great time tonight, but the ending was a little confusing. After Parker found me we started to talk over some stolen goods. Everything just seemed natural when I was with her. We started laughing, well I did atleast, and laughed right until the very end. I loved the way she could make me laugh so easily. All she had to say was one thing and it would set me off. I hadn’t truly laughed that much in a while, and it made me feel good.
But Parker hardly ever laughed the whole night. I could tell she wanted to though. I didn’t get her sometimes. She appeared to be one of the most confident people in the world, but she was always putting herself down. And she had this way of not wanting anything from anyone, like she was too independent for that. I had to use some persuasion for even a simple car ride from me.
But we had just had a great time together. And then things got weird. After I threw a skittle into her, which I still felt really bad about, I went over to her. I probably did this for me as much as her. I loved being close to her. She just gave me this warm feeling inside whenever I was near her. So as soon as I touched her face I knew something was different.
The thing was, I had wanted to touch her for a while. Ok Sara, you sound like perv, stop thinking stuff like that. I tried to clear that though from my mind. But it was true. And when I finally did touch her, it was amazing. I wanted more of her. I just wanted to sink into her and have her wrap her arms around me. But then I started looking at her, like really looking. And I had found so much.
She was scared. As soon as I brought more of my hand to her face, something shifted in her eye. At first she liked it, or it seemed she was okay with it atleast. But then something shifted. Immediately I could feel her pulling away, not physically though. And then I saw it. It was fear. I didn’t know of what or whom, but she was just scared. And sad too. There was a huge amount of pain in her eyes, which I didn’t think was from her broken leg. I wanted to know so bad though.
Unfortunately, some stupid guy chose that moment to feed his late night chocolate craving as well. Or did he want a Red Bull? I wasn’t paying attention. All I know is he interrupted me and Parker. After that she walked me to the lobby. There was some slight awkwardness, but I tried to eliminate that. I wanted to be sure I would see her again, so I asked if she wanted a ride again. She said I didn’t need to do that for her, she could just take a bus. I told her I wanted to and she looked at some spot over my shoulder and said she wasn’t sure. If she did want one, I said I’d be waiting for her outside tomorrow. And with that, I left.
It was kind of an abrupt ending to such a great, relaxed, fun night. I still had a lot of feelings, I just need to sort them out. I pulled myself up from bed and headed to the basement. I went into a small room, turned one the light, and began to set up my canvas and paints. Whatever I made tonight was going to be good, I thought. Maybe not to other people, but it would be straight from inside me, and therefore, it would be great.
I finished setting up. Slowly, I raised the paint brush and raised it to the canvas. There was a brief pause where I studied the blank canvas. This canvas would never be white again, ever, I thought. And then, I started to paint with all the intensity of my built up emotions. And I didn’t stop.