okay here is the deal. i like guys and it feels really exciting and it gets me off. i understand that part.
the part that confuses me is that i had sex with girls
before , like alot alot. couple 100x, no joke.
but after my sudden withdrawl from being with girls , the last six years- i just turned 25.

whenever i masterbate or think about guys , my mind usually
wanders off to some girl i saw today or someone i saw on tv while
i masterbate.it's kinda odd when i am trying to concentrate on my sexual
fantasies , but it just keeps on popping in my mind. and throughout the
day i seem to be having more and more spontanious sexual fantasies
with girls.but in the past year or so i tried being with a girl and
i get soo wound up and soo excited that i feel like i wanna run away and
get away from them! i mean i get really really really excited,more so
then i do with guys. it feels uncontrolable, like i am being possessed, like some
kind of animal or something!
i shake , i tremble , i can't even talk, i feel like i am
gonna loose control of myself and the just mere thought of sticking it
in her makes me want to ejaculate right away. a blow job would kill me!!!
i'd have a heart attack!!

as irrational as it may sound , i feel as if she is eatting me up ,like my body is being
swallowed by her whole!! i feel as if once i cum inside her , i will
loose control of everything. my bowels , my breath , my life.
it feels as if i cum , i feel as if she is taking something away from
me. and i feel completly engolfed by her.mentally , physically and
emotionally.i feel like i am being eatin up.by cumming inside
her , i feel as if i am emptying my entire genital area inside her...
she is draining me of my sexual energy.and afterwards i freak out and feel like i want to
get away , far far away and for odd reason i feel like running. i feel like i did something wrong-as good as it felt,
and i just want get away from the girl.my entire gential area just feels odd.like it's alive and had a mind of it's own.sounds crazy i know.

sex with guys feels normal and comfortable and enjoyable, no big deal.but it does bore me sometimes and
afterwards i end up thinking about all the girls i have seen that day
being in love etc. even during sex , it gets into a routine and i am just going through the motions and i winde up thinking about a girl. not always having sex with her
or them , just sometimes thinking of them.

i have to admit that my feelings for males aren't as genuine as most gay people.
i heard people talk about feelings and love and such.but i have never truly
felt it.i feel indifferent , and distant. i really don't care about the guys i sleep with really.just sex. and when i think about females soo much ,it's kinda hard to really
focus on being with any guy seriouslly. my tremendous fear of emotional rejection also keeps me away from females. i get way too attactched emotioally with them.i can already tell how completly overstimulated i will be
and how excited i will be sexually. the thought of naked woman excites and frightens me
silly. my only real excuse for not being with females is fear.
that overexcited feeling freaks me out yet intices me at the same time.
it creates feelings of tensions and desires i do not understand.

i've been with girls all the time as a youth, so i don't understand where all
these irrational fears and emotions come from all of a sudden.
did'nt really think about girls for years.literally.a good six years. i actually
dispised and deeply resented them. they anger me for some odd reason also.

is my sub-concious trying to tell me something?