Since I've come out to a lot more people, I've been generally avoiding spending much time with those people - relatives, friends - who I'm not out to, mainly the ones I'm not out to, because I think they won't be the must supportive people.

In July I spent two days with close family friends who don't know for this reason. They're huge homophobes.

And then the last three days I spent with a bunch of relatives who don't know, and who don't seem exactly gay friendly.

The whole reason for not coming out to these people yet is tmy being scared that coming out to them will ruin our relationship.

The question I was left with in July, and again today is: what relationship?

What's happened is that I can no longer go along and have fun and enjoy myself with these people, by passing as the straight person they have always assumed me to be. The illusion's gone. So I can still pass as a straight person, but I'm no longer enjoying myself. I just feel tortured.

And it hits me: my relationships with these people are already changed from where they once were, even though I'm not out to them, because I'm out to myself and to most of the people in my life. And it makes me wonder: what are my reasons now for not coming out? Rejection, sure... but it's not like it would change that many things... I've already lost a lot of the emotional connection I have with these people, so coming out could be a gamble to see wehther or not I'll win any of that back, or if it's just not to be.

I thought a lot about coming out to my Granma... I thought of things to say and then didn't say them. Next time though. This is what always happens to me wtih coming out: I decide to come out, and then if I don't go through with it at first, I most definately have to the next time, because I'm so irritated at myself until that happens.

I told a friend tonight: this is going to be a year where I come out to a lot of people who aren't that gay friendly. It's not really that I'm deciding to do it, it's more that I feel it, I feel myself fed up with not being out to these people, and I feel that it will happen... I'll say something. It will just be the right thing for me to do at the time.

And still always the question: why don't people just accept other people?

So frustrating!