Why are we attracted to who we're attracted to?
This is a question that has been sitting in my mind the past few weeks...well, probably more like the past 6 months or so. I don't have the answer to it, and I don't think I ever will, but the reason why it's been on my mind is that I've found a new source of guilt. Perhaps this is an unconscious way to make up for my new lack-of-guilt over the fact that I'm a lesbian. Anyway, here's the reason behind my newfound guilt:
I'm not really attracted to "girly" girls.
Don't get me wrong...I see a woman like Angelina Jolie, or Alyson Hannigan, or some of the girls who run around my campus in their obscenely tiny running shorts, and there's no doubt in my mind that their hot. They've even been the source of a fantasy or two...lol. But you know what really gets me going, what catches my eye?
The more masculine women. Butch girls, androgenous girls, hardcore dykes (as my girlfriend calls herself)...whatever you want to call them.
Now, one might ask why I feel guilty about this. I don't really know why I do, and I don't even know if "guilty" is really the word for what I'm feeling.
The first time my dad saw a picture of my girlfriend (well...the only time), the first thing he said was (and I remember this clear as day): "Don't take this the wrong way, but she looks like a guy."
I wonder, if somewhere back in the deep crevices of my brain, the fact that I'm attracted to butch women as opposed to the femmes makes me wonder if I, in fact, really do want to be with men? I mean...without going into too much detail, ::blushes:: there's not much of a difference between what men and women do in bed and what my girlfriend and I do in bed, except that we have to use a certain tool to make up for what she doesn't naturally have... My girlfriend brought this up in bed one time; I think it bothers her some that I've never been with a guy. She's afraid I'm going to go want the "real thing" one of these days.
But that's the thing. I don't want a man. I'm very happy with my woman, thank you very much. There's plenty of things we do that a man and a woman couldn't.
I feel like all the guys around me are after that one "perfect" woman...If any of the guys in my lodge were to bring home a girl even remotely resembling my girlfriend, they would never hear the end of it. Thier hook-ups can only be with thin (or at least normal-weight) girls who wear makeup and mini skirts and high heels. I think the fact that I'm _not_ looking for this type of women, the type that every guy I live with is looking for, makes me feel unsettled. I'm a lesbian, I like women...so why aren't I attracted to the women that every red-blooded male seems to be after?
To wrap this long, convoluted post up, let me clarify once again that I'm not saying that I want to change. I'm happy, and I love my girlfriend...my girlfriend who is called "Sir" more often than "Ma'am" out in public, who would never be caught dead in a dress, and who (as far as I know) has never shaved her legs. But she's still a woman. I just think it would be intereting to figure out what makes me tick, why I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to... It's both interesting and disconcerting.
And now I know why I'm a gender studies minor.