I'm realizing that I may have an issue with being in control. Well...no, that doesn't quite work. What I mean to say is that I think I have a problem trusting people to do their part of a group situation...it's like I have to do all the work to be satisfied. I have a 3500 word group paper due at 4pm on Friday, and we're really just getting started today. I found the perfect book for us today on our topic and it's split up into several different essays. I serious feel like I should be reading all of the book rather than trusting the other group members to read their part of it and take good notes. Hum. I realize that this isn't really a good thing and I'm trying really really hard to resist the urge to go and take control of everything, but it's hard. I never really realized before just how much of an issue I have with this.
I wonder why I'm like this...perhaps it's just my "Type A" personality showing through. Thinking back, I have trouble trusting people in general...I've never had a spill-your-guts-out-to best friend, and I've just never felt the need to have one. It's like I remove myself, emotionally if not physically, from some levels of interaction.
Sometimes I wish I weren't like this. I hate to cry in front of people, I hate to be involved in conflict with people...I guess I just hate feeling vulnerable in front of other people. Me taking control of a group project for school is my way of making sure that I don't feel vulnerable--making sure that I'm the only person I have to rely on get things done.
*sigh* This is all so random. Haha...reading throught this I wonder if I should be in counseling, lol. I'm the only one of the four kids in my family not in counseling, on drugs for emotional/mental problems, or both. I'm the level-headed one, I'm the one who does what needs to be done and always does things well. I'm Miss Dependable, so I just can't have those sort of problems... **que the music** Or can I?
Perhaps when I'm out of school and can afford to go into couseling I should just go see one to see what happens. Who knows. All I know is that right now I can see that I certainly do have some sort of issues with control and vulnerability and as a result never allow myself to really get close to other people.
::clears throat:: Ahem...I apologize for interupting your regularly scheduled program of queer youth issues with this rambling nonsensical string-of-consciousness blog about my insignificant non-queer-related problems. I just felt the need to write, and perhaps delay my getting to work on such aforementioned project. (Is aforementioned a word??)
I commend you if you made it this far...I'm in a wierd mood tonight. Feel free to leave comments/questions/etc. or even if you just want to tell me how nuts I am. I'm don't think I've been fulfilling my regular internet-friend communication quota recently.
Till next time...Farewell and Goodnight.