Just as my life was starting to feel together, something else has come along to knock me off balance. This seems to be the norm, in my experience. Life never really lets anyone rest...challenges are always being tossed in the way.
So my last post was all about how I've really come to accept and normalize my sexuality into my life. But the more confident I become about this area of my life, I've become increasingly unsure and uncomfortable with my religion. I was born and raised, and still consider myself to be a Catholic. There's this aspect of the church teachings on conscience that many gay Catholics use to allow themselves to remain a part of the Church, despite the fact that in the eyes of the church all homosexual activity, as well as any sexual activity outside of the man-woman marriage is a mortal sin. But It's hard for me to continue to give my all to a Church and a faith that rejects such an integral aspect of who I am.
I'm just having trouble with the fact that the Church acknowledges that sexual orientation is not a choice, but that they claim my homosexual tendencies are disordered, nonetheless. Why would God design me to be disordered? I truly believe that God made me the person I am, including my sexuality.
I'm taking a Natural Law class this semester, and I just got done reading about Aquinas' teachings on the subject. I do believe in the idea that all men have a certain common nature and a common end when we die. However, I am increasingly doubtful of the Catholic Church's monopoly on the interpretation of what this Natural Law is. Really, I think I believe that all of the major religions on Earth have some aspect of the ultimate truth, but that no one can know the complete picture, because of the fact that we are human.
I don't know what this means for me. It's very troubling and is something that I just can't stop thinking about. I know plenty of people would just leave the church without a second thought, but I can't do that. I really do genuinely believe in many of Church teaching, and I love the Catholic Church. It's always felt right to me...been a source of comfort. But now I just can't help but wonder if I really have a place there anymore.
I should really talk to someone, probably a priest, about all this, but I've always had trouble approaching authority figures for help.
Yeah. I have a feeling the next few years are going to be very challenging ones for me.