I've moved on to a new stage in my queer-ness.
No longer am I constantly worried about being a lesbian or coming out or what people will think. I've gotten pretty good at the casual method of coming out, and the tidal wave of grief that once preceeded such an action has turned into a tiny ripple in my stomach.
Sure, I'm not completely out of closet...none of my extended family knows, and I'm not really looking forward to telling them, but all the important people in my life know.
Now, my energies have moved on to the relationship I am in. It occurred to me as I was pondering for the trillionth time today what I should do about the whole situation with my girlfriend, that what is going through my head is no different that what is going through the girl across the hall's head about her boyfriend.
I no longer see the fact that I am a lesbian as a reason to isolate myself from my peers or even as something indicative of me being "different".
The fact is, is I'm just me...
I'm a female, a 20 (almost 21) year old college junior studying abroad in Australia. I'm struggling with a long distance relationship, just like half the other people here. I despise my business in asia class (like the rest of the people in my lodge), enjoy my literature class, and wish that the presentation I have to do in Natural Law tomorrow were already over. I have a brand new baby brother who I can't wait to meet, and I have a sister who's a freshman in college this year that I love being able to talk about "college-stuff" with. I have a mom, a dad, a stepmom, and a future step-dad. I love cats...I have 2 of them.
I also happen to be a lesbian. This is just one part of who I am, and I'm finally truly starting to understand and believe that.
I've come to this revelation recently. While part of me is excited and thankful that I'm no longer spending my nights fretting over my sexuality, another part of me wants to regress back into the comfortable. Yes...being insecure about my sexuality WAS comfortable...I think in a way it was a crutch for me, something to use to justify things and give me a reason to act certain ways. Sometimes I liked feeling different.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you're not allowed to be insecure or scared about your sexual orientation, but I think that, at a certain point in everyone's life, it should no longer be a real "issue"...it simply is.
I've come a long way in the past 3 years, but I've got a full life ahead of me. For once, I'm finally starting to see that everything may work out okay...I'll get my girl and we'll live a happy life in a home that one day will be full of children and a cat or two or three.
Letting go of the angst was, still is, hard. But it's worth it. I can finally just be me.