I walked around the mission. I ate my burrito. I went to King's Bakery even bought that sugary thing that you really liked. I walked by the photo store, and I swear I could almost see you in it, getting your picture taken. I walked by the burrito place where we sat and listened to music, you stayed completly cool while I was freaking out. It was almost as if I went to all these places so just maybe I could see you, just mayeb you would be there. I guess I knew you wouldn't be, but a part of me thought maybe going to all these places would somehow bring you to me or something. Like I was searching for you, eventhough your half way across the world.
I came home defeated, shot down. I've never cried like that. My whole being was weeping, I couldn't stop. I cried for hours and hours. I must have been really spitty. When I looked in the mirror I barely knew the person looking back at me. My face had become pink and distorted. And I kept on thinking about what you said in your journal entry and about how you didn't write back to me. And I just couldn't deal and I kept on crying. Crying because the only person I have ever loved is half way across the world and for all I know doesn't even care. My mind keeps on coming back to the last time I was at your house, you talked to me, you actually talked to me. It was the moset amazing thing I have ever felt. Cuz eventhough i knew I wasn't going to see you in a very long time it just all felt perfect, like you really did love me. And now thinking about that day I can't help but cry becasue I love you so much and all I want is to be with you.
I'm just so scred, like what if I begin to forget what you look like, or smell like, or feel like. What if I can't remember tha sound of your voice? What if you foget these things about me? I guess what will be will have to be. And I fucking hate that. I want it to be like that last day in your bed. Just laying there peacefully. I love you with all my heart, but what if you don't feel the same way? I guess thats what I'm afraid of...loving someone so much you can't eat or sleep cuz thay are not around you. I tell myself I need to be strong, but I don't know how to be strong anymore. I've never loved anyone like I love you, and I will always love you.