All right, I guess I'd better finish what I started in my "Part One" journal. I might not get a chance to finish it later, so now's probably the best time...
Let me finish the day first, with questions and commentary within. As I was leaving the Pride area (and "Gay Village"), I passed a "Toonie Drive" stand, and I gave two loonies. (For you non-Canadians: Loonie=One dollar coin. Toonie= Two dollar coin). After you give, they put this funny sticker on your shirt that says "Pride 04: I gave a toonie, now leave me alone!" After I left the area to get on the subway, I decided to take off the sticker. Why?!?! Is that indicative of the fact that I'm not proud of who I am, or is it simply something smart to do to keep myself from being hassled (especially since I was alone, and out of the "queer-positive" area)? I'm still not sure about that one.
I get on the subway, and go to the top/end of the line. Uneventful, except near the end. I'm sitting at one end of the train, still reeling from all of my experiences of the day. I'm kinda feeling sad, for a few reasons: uncertainty of where I'm headed (in life, not the subway line!), missing the queer-positive zone I just left, and the fact that I'm not only single, but I don't really have any gay friends-- yet, anyway. As usual, I'm looking around (because I'm simply a curious guy), and I spot a good-looking guy at the other end of the train car. Due to distance, it's hard to see, but I think he's about my age. I just sit, looking around vaguely, and occasionally stealing a glance at the guy. Now, one time I look at him, and he's looking at me! Not just in my direction, but I'm very sure his eyes were focused on mine. Shyly, I look away. About ten seconds later, I look back, and he's still looking at me! After a few seconds, I shyly look away again, with my heart beating rather fast. After that, our eyes didn't meet again. We both got off the train, he standing a "group of people" ahead of me, and he walked away. Another (pseudo-?) encounter I'm not sure about. There wasn't anyone sitting near me, and I could see his eyes weren't focused on something else near me, like a subway poster. I don't think I've ever seen him before. Very strange.
I drive home from the station, and that's about it. I got the CD I wanted (see part one entry), I donated to the Pride toonie drive, I got some exposure to the queer community, and I saw some great live performances. So, I'm glad I went. This day also has me thinking about some stuff, and I'd like to share these things with you.
First, it's getting to the point where I'm sick of being single. I've never really had a serious boy/girl-friend (except for a while in grades 4-7, where I met the girl I would marry. Oh, school-yard romances!). It makes sense now, of course, why I never seriously looked for a girl in high school and first year University... and I didn't look for a boy because that would mean I was gay! ;) Now, I'm looking, and I'm not sure where to go. Well, I do and I don't. I'm going to start a forum thread on this later, probably.
That leads me to another thing. I'm definitely not ugly, but I'm also not hot. I can go for cute. So, it's not likely that if I sit around drinking alone in a gay bar, I'll be hit on by someone I'd actually want to go out with. I don't react well to being "engaged/picked-up" most of the time, and I'm too shy to try to hit on someone I'm interested in (See above and Pride journal #1). Being hit on makes me feel naive and vulnerable, and so does hitting on someone. I guess that's my problem; I don't like feeling stupid or vulnerable. Yet, a certain amount of vulnerability is what makes a relationship work. You have to-- it's a trust thing. That's part of the reason many people, including buff gods/goddesses, feel weird getting naked in front of someone else. You're at your most vulnerable...
So, where does that leave me? Alone, of course! Ah, I've come full circle. So, yes, I think I've raised some interesting issues here (which, of course, you will comment on! ;) , but I also use this space as a complaint space. Well, I'm sure it's therapeutic for me, anyway. Thanks so much for reading! You Oasis people are awesome... but I've said that before, of course!
In total sincerity,