It is really difficult for me to express myself with clarity but I will do my best.
I have boggled my mind with the emotion of being two different genders. You know, for a while I thought I had ended a chapter of my life, my spiritual search was over. But I was wrong. Gravely wrong. Not only it ended, a new chapter opened and now I find myself thinking about what gender I am. I was born a male with a male genital, but I realize that I have a brain of a girl. Most of my friends noticed and commented that I have a feminist personality, which I was unaware of.
So I started to go back into my past, to remember all the blackouts. (I was physically abused by my alcoholic father, and molested by a neighbor teenager girl.) I remembered parts of the memories where it first began. I had this idol that was my aunt. I remember watching her apply a pink lipstick and I would ask if she applied it on my lips too. She did. For a while I kept doing this, and my parents weren’t disturbed, probably assumed I’m just being a kid. There also this time, twice my sister would use me as a makeup doll. I was enamored with it; it made me happy but not my mother. She gave my sister a quite a row. Then there was this time I secretly worn my sisters clothes and my mothers shoes. I also had a purse for a period of time. Then there was this boyfriend I used to hold hands at church. He didn’t seem to mind. (Couple of years ago I discovered that he’s married to a girl now at my cousin’s wedding