Yes, I am totally a fool. This is my preferred lable of choice lately. Something to do with being in my hometown again so soon after leaving, struggling to get out again with not much likelyhood in the nearfuture, feeling totally romantically isolated, and depressed way too often. Something about all that makes me feel like a fool sitting at the bar with my younger sister ordering dinner. What can I say. I'm the fool. I probably sound like I'm doing drugs, but I don't know, that's my self-description for now.
And what is wrong with me? I think I have a special condition (or my new over-used word "complex") having to do with home town. I cannot deal in my hometown. I just can't deal. It's ridiculous. I have so many ueer friends here, and I'm not out to any of them, and I'm out to only people who aren't queer, so I can never talk about anything with people around here, and when I was somewhere else I was out to most people and that felt so much better. But here it is again: home town. Can't deal. AAAAAAh. I am going to lose it. It almost all sounds funny, but then there's the reality that this all makes me super depressed, hopeless, helpless feeling. Frustrated and irritated. And angry. And sad.
I don't know what to do. I have so many games I play here, so many identities I keep up with, that I don't get t to live life as me, because I'm always living it as some expected version of me, and the result is that whenever I'm alone, I freak out. I freak out internally, and lately, whenever I'm alone I also scream.