Rachelle just left my house, and Cristina a bit before that. I'm..... slightly at a loss.
It was so intensely wonderful to just be with them, holed up in my room like the Alamo, knowing the world would find a way in but not yet. For a little while, time was ours, and we were together. This sounds so cliché, but it's really so true. For a little while, sprawled on my bed with them, just talking and laughing and sometimes just listening to part of a song one of us particularly liked in silence, I felt warm. Warm on the inside, where I haven't felt anything really solidly good in a long while. I've been kind of eh lately, more numb that anything else, and that feeling.... I had to really think about it for a moment to remember what it was.
I was happy.
I know, I know, duh heather, but it's been a while since I've been able to feel that strongly. Rachelle mentioned something like it actually, it made me feel better that I wasn't alone feeling like this. It's been happening a lot lately that I've be somewhere with some or doing something, and will realize 'I should be happy now, I love doing this or being with this person. What's wrong with me?' I suppose I can be happy, but it's not a really intense feeling it more closely boarders contented. I don’t know, it just doesn't feel the same to me. but today..... today was just incredible, in a low key way. I just smiled the entire time without thinking, and couldn't stop laughing, and there were all these things I wanted to do or say, so many things I wanted to show Rachelle, or to see with her. Cristina and I were slightly nuts, I could tell she was happy, which was even stranger than me being so. I'm sad to say it slightly through me off my stride, because it's been so long since I've seen her happy for so long. That's probably part of the reason I was so happy, we almost always reflect each other's emotional state to some extent.
I looked at the clock around 4:30 and realized they might have to go soon and it was heartbreaking. I told Rachelle I loved her when I said goodbye and meant it, I don't say these things lightly. Neither of us do, and it was really wonderful to hear, and to know she meant it too. I hope she knows how much I did. I mean, I don't understand why, it doesn't make sense to feel strongly about someone I've only met three times, but she's really important to me. She understands a lot more than most people, and what she doesn't I think she'd let us explain. Us. Me and Cristina. We're twice as together when she's involved. Maybe it's because we get so exited and start babbling, I dunno. But chelle deals with it, it makes me feel so good when she talks about how funny we are together. We've come through so much to be like this, it's incredible. This is wandering, so Rachelle's awesome hat and I are going to go.... do something now. I'm not sure what, I feel so out of it now they're both gone.... I don't know how to react, what to do. It's weird. *shrug*