I'm just gonna copy paste from my livejournal cause I'm lazzzy. Haha.
I think everyone is having a breakdown, simultaneously. And I want to help everyone, but get boggled and confused (like usual) and run myself down and wind up not helping anyone and it really isn't any good. Arg.... I'f this was one at a time I could handle it, but now its like my ADD has spread to all aspects of my life and I can't even focus on one person, because there are so many other people clamouring around me.
clamo/ clamas/ clamat/ clamamus/ clamatis/ clamant lol, random latin geekiness.
I hate this feeling, like I know I should say something really good, something wize or with some kind of substance, just something, but I can't find the words. All I can find to say is 'I don't know....' I really wonder why people bother with me sometimes, I have nothing to really offer back.
coordinate brain to mouth
I don't think I could keep up at all without Dragon, my Brand New cd, and this one vague dream I have. I really don't know what I did before I had Dragon in my heart, Brand New in my ears and them to fill the blank places without thought. They're kinda like duct tape; they have just enough goodness to hold me together, and just enough not so good to keep me moving forward, if that makes any sense. I don't think it did, so never mind.
then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out
I was just rerealizing again today how differently some people's world veiws are from others. I'm planning on teaching a one-day course on self injury in health at my highschool, and was talking to the department head and health teacher in the library, and one of my friends was standing with us, becuase all three of us had been talking before. I'd forgotten the kind of revoltion it brings in people who don't well, see it the way I do. That curious, disgusted, almost smug look on their face's, because they're so sure they don't know anyone who does something that sick.
If they only knew.
It came down to me holding out my arms for my teacher to check at one point, with him watching, peering over too. It was humiliating, even though I didn't have so much as an old scar or bruise. Even though there was nothing to find, it twisted my heart. I don't cut, but sometimes it feels like I'm so surrounded by cutters there should be some mark of it, like honorary membership to a selective club or a 'straight but never narrow' pin for cutters' friend and families. Something to show I'm safe, sympathetic, and what's more that I come as close to understanding as a person can be without taking up the knife themselves. *sad face*
wish I knew
dragon just sent me the pic of her, my other gods-sister and my kid sister together from vacation, I think I still might cry.... I really can't explain what it means to be to have a pic of them together, the three people I love more than anythign else.....
Yes, if you hadn't realized by now, I am highly emotional and melodramatic. deal with it. haha.
Its an adorable picture, my kid sister is half in both their laps and my gods-sisters are leaning on each other, both with an arm around her. I'm going to put it everywhere and show it off, I almost wish we had school but oh well. My only issue is that the printer can't deal with the dark part at the top of the picture, the ink's kinda beaded, but oh well, their faces and posture are clear. Now I just need to cut it down to fit the picture slot on my bag. ^_^