Hi, I'm a 17-year old male that goes to high school here in ON, Canada. My problem is really lengthy, but my thanx and gratitude for those who will take some time out of their lives to help me in my 'romantic' (for lack of a better word) problems.
I was told that this was a site that has gay youths as its primary registrants... the reason why I'm expressing my problem here is because I don't have any gay friends that can relate to my problem... at most, all I have are a couple of bisexual friends.
I'm gay, as you may have already figured out, but I'm the type of person that doesn't easily fall for anyone in terms of attraction. I tend to 'wait' for the other person to make a move and then I end up being attracted back to that same person. Anyways, 3 years ago in my High School freshman year, a rather good-looking and 'player-like' boy approached me in gym class and gave me some signals... as in physical signals, that made me think that he was into me. He would rub my back when we're alone in the locker room, he would say hi in the hallways when we're alone in the hallways... just those little things that did not involve much talking. I never seemed to have the heart to say anything back to him, or talk to him about having a relationship then, because I was still in Grade 9... I was a little naive back then. And I wasn't really TOO interested in a relationship. The 'little signals,' especially staring continued on till a year later, and I felt REALLY attracted to him by then... so I decided to give him a note, not asking him out, but telling him, at least, how I felt, much to the disagreement of my best friend... what was to happen from then was up to him. Anyway, he started to keep his distance from me after that incident, as my best friend had expected, since she does not trust 'popular' guys at all. I got a little depressed, getting no feedback from him, but it didn't seem like he told the whole school. So I kinda brushed it off, learned a little, and moved on.
Similar situations occurred with four other guys, and the results were just as similar. Boy meets boy, boy give signals to other boy, other boy tries to approach boy, boy ignores other boy... I'm not insecure at all... There are times when I do feel insecure, but not to a great extent. But anyway, these incidents caused me a sense of becoming more... afraid of other guys... which is such bad timing, because, as young as I may be, I'm at a point when I REALLY would like to know what love is like. I can't seem to get myself to make eye contact with other guys anymore, even at gay clubs. I'm just so scared of being rejected... again. I never went out with any girl, because I had come to terms with my homosexual identity around grade 6-7... But during those years, I had never gotten to know another guy either.
This is my problem and I have 2 questions:
1)How can I overcome my fear of being rejected? A very conforming friend of mine, she told me to conform to the image of beauty generally accepted within society... which was not a problem, since I guess, I can be a pretty conceited person too. I mean, all I spend my money on are clothes and hair products nowadays (which is bad, cuz I need to get ready for university, lol). But other than her suggestion, which was supposed to give me more confidence, how can I overcome this fear?
2)Should I still pay some attention to that guy who 'gave me signals' in Grade 9? The situation now is that he hasn't gone out with a girl for 7 months and seems to be paying more attention to me now... there were some instances after school when I'd be at the hallways, he'd catch up to me, walk right next to me, but say nothing. Also, three weeks ago, when we had to sign up for our graduation photos appointments- I signed up on my spare at 1:30 pm... he signed his name underneath mine, even though we were among the first ten to sign up for photo appointments and there were plenty of empty appointment slots earlier on in the day, even in his spare 2 hours earlier. So should I even bother with him? I mean, I can understand why he wasn't too keen on associating himself with me 2 years ago... I mean we were in grade 10, he could have been going through some major identity diffusion... especially since he's masculine and is expected to be so.
Thank you in advance.