So I wrote this to go with my writing portfolio for Advanced Expository Writing. *clears throat*

Finding Myself in Words
Dear College Writing Instructors,

One of my earliest memories is teaching myself Object Logo on our old Macintosh SE II. It's a pretty basic programming language, but programming has been one of the few hobbies from my childhood that I've hung onto. I still enjoy programming in my free time, and while writing code might seem a little dry, it is nonetheless a form of writing, I consider code to be a form of expression. Writing a program can be very rewarding, my code is clean and concise, I normally don't like much ambiguity. Here's how this should run, you can see it right there, clear and as readable as can be. I'm going into Computer Science in college, and hope to make a career out of it.

I often have trouble writing without a keyboard. I can type much faster. My ideas flow out much better, and I feel like I have more control. My handwriting is terrible; sometimes emphasis somewhere could be completely unintentional. When I'm typing, all that is seen on the screen is Arial 12 point font forming into my words. The reader won't focus on my handwriting, but my words. While some might find more control in handwriting, to me typing is much more expressive. My writing has definitely had a significant impact on me.

When I was about 14 a startling revelation occurred to me. I finally realized why girls were never such a big deal for me. Guys were so much more attractive. At this time, I had already had some friends who were lesbian, but it had never occurred to me before that I too could be one of those... gay... people. I thought, okay, that's them, whatever. But, when the idea that I too could be gay first started creeping into my mind, I was terrified. Isolation and confusion couldn't begin to describe my predicament. I stumbled on Oasis Magazine by a stroke of luck. Oasis is an online writing community for gay and lesbian teens. It was such a tremendous resources for me. Here I could nearly anonymously write about my troubles and confusion amongst others with the same problems.

Seeing my words take a solid form on the screen, seeing other people going through the same trials I was, reading words from people who had already passed these trials and who were open about their sexuality was such a great help. Through my postings my thoughts congealed into solid forms. I found out who I was, and where I stood. Most importantly, I got enough confidence in my ideas about who I was that I was prepared to start sharing my newly discovered me to my close friends and family. Through my writing, I discovered how being gay reflects on who I am. I found the courage to show that reflection to the world. I told a few close friends at first. My lesbian friends were ecstatic. My mom was in denial. Luckily I had the strength to go on, and help her let go of her prejudices. My mother now accepts me for who I am.

Through my writing I've been able to put down my thoughts into concrete words. I can see them right there on the screen. If I worded something poorly or I realize I'm sot sure how something sounds, it is much more easy to spot when it's in writing. Thoughts are certainly fluid, but once you put one down on paper it's static until you want to change it. It won't change on you overnight, save for gremlins, and you can make your thoughts into something definite. Through my journaling I've found out where I stand and part of who I am. I still maintain an online journal, while not as intimate as my Oasis Magazine diary was, I still put down a lot of my thoughts. I'm much more open now, and don't feel too afraid of putting my thoughts out there for all my friends to see. Writing a little summary of what's happened in the past day or so really helps me to process what's going on in my life. My writing has definitely shaped the person I am today, and given me the courage to be that person.

Sincerely,

John G.

Currently Reading: Shirt of Flame by Ko Imani

Shirt of Flame is such an awesomely book. I'm about halfway through it. You should run out now and get it. It will rock your socks off. Honest! I can't find my socks!

I think I'm going to go to a convent after college and become a nun. Every time I try and date someone I feel like a jerk. I'm ashamed of how I treated Chris, I feel bad for dumping Jake and Travis. Heck, I even felt bad after turning down Cameron. C'est la vie.

Hannah told me today to not give Cameron Travis' phone number if he askes, and I jokingly said something along the lines of "Oh, maybe I should hook them up." And she went into this big speel about how much of a bad idea that would be and she tied it to how I broke Travis' heart and I forget what the connection was. And I replied in jest that it was her fault because she tried to set me up with him, and then she goes into this big speel about how they're not on speaking terms anymore and la de blah.

I shot Travis down because I couldn't see that growing into a healthy relationship. I wasn't very impressed by him. And I still felt terrible when I did finally tell him I don't think I'm interested. And I kind of had that put behind me. But after talking with Hannah today I was kind of in a *sigh* mood. Mrrr.

So on one hand, I should feel bad because I shot him down and now he and Hannah aren't on speaking terms. On the other hand, it's me we're talking about and I should be the one to make the ultimate decision as to whom I date, which is what happened. But if he's going to be petty enough to blame her for what happened perhaps he's not worth her time/effort. On the flipside of that, I have no idea how attached he was to me or how close he and Hannah were/are. *deep breath*

So there's my bitchy rant o' the month. I'm really not too fazed by it though. Honest.

I shall now leave you with happy sparkley thoughts!

Lesley Gore - Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.

My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
When you're in love to stay.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.

My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
'Cause you're in love, you're in love,
And love is here to stay!