Gaah!!!!!! It's...10:45 pm my time on day 1 of finals week. I have 2 finals out of the way, and 3 more exams and a paper to go. I actually finish Thursday, but I won't be going home until Friday afternoon. I haven't been home yet this year (I am about 1100 miles away!) so It'll be great to see my family.
Besides finals, there's a huge source of frustration in my life right now: I feel like there's no way for me to meet people (and by people I meen potential date type of people). Don't get me wrong, I am quite involved in the gay group here at school, I'm out, and I'm even involved in GLB education sessions, so my name/face is pretty out and about in relation to these issues. But I still feel incredibly alone/isolated. I know, I know, you're probably wondering how on earth this could be the case. Well, let me tell you the story of last Saturday's Outreach Christmas party to illustrate this. (Outreach is the gay group at school).
So I got to the party around 10 pm, granted, I was a little late, but that's because the party started around 8 for some God-awful reason, and I had to work. Anyways, to be perfectly honest I was hoping to get considerably drunk and maybe meet a girl whom I could at least talk/flirt with a little. Well, by the time I got there, all the good alcohol was gone. Also, like usual, I was one of 6 girls at the party (as compared to about 15 guys). Two of the girls were a couple, and as far as the other two girls go, 1)I already know them, they're not interested in me, and 2)they're seniors (I'm hesitatant to get involved with a senior as a sophomore, esp. halfway through the year.
To sum it up, there was no chance of ANYTHING coming from that party. And that's the problem...every party, every event, every meeting is like that. I just don't know what to do!! The lesbians at my school just DON'T get involved witht the gay "community" like the gay men seem to. I feel like this may be due to the large percentage of students that are athletes here...perhaps the lesbian athletes (which probably constitutes a large number of the ones here) stick to their own social groups. Whatever the cause is, I CAN'T SEEM TO MEET PEOPLE!!! To top it off, I have failed to develop any sort of "gaydar", which seems to come in handy for other people I know in terms of flirting/getting to know potential dates.
I want to be "normal" like my friends and have dates and the opportunities for kissage and making out or even more if I so desire. Not that I would jump all the way in, but having the opportunity would be nice!! I feel restless and a bit left out because even the majority of the other gay people I know have more luck with relationships. I know this sounds a bit crude, but to put it in my roommate's terminology, I would like the opportunity to "get some" sometime before I get old! To put this all in perspective, I'm 20 years old and haven't so much as kissed someone.
I'm sure this whole blog sounds whiny and a bit immature, but I'm just so so FRUSTRATED in so many ways!
There's a slight chance that something may happen between me and my best friend from home; (I'll get to see her when I go home for break) she's always flirting with me online, and last summer she insinuated that she was interested in hooking up. However, 1)I don't want to do anything that would affect our friendship, and 2)She's always in and out of relationship, and I don't know if I really want the type of relationship she'd be offering. On the other hand, maybe I need the type of relationship she's offering... Uugh..It's just oh so complicated. And I do geuinely feel attracted to her, she's an awesome person.
Well...It's off to more studying, I think, if I can muster up some more motivation (which is in short supply these days).