This is weird. When you fill in the blog form, you have to put the title. (See above.) But then it says body (like meaning body text), and I suddenly thought body piercing? no...tongue piercing... Sorry if that doesn't make sense.



Anyway, I'm waffling because I'm putting off mentioning that I bit through my tongue.



I did. I was watching tv and eating a tv dinner (well, I thought they went together and all...) and I was even being a total slacker and using a plastic fork so I wouldn't have to wash up. I hate injuring myself alone because it's like...what do you do? The panicky feeling is there but there's no one there to freak out with you so you have to like...be the calm one and the panic-head simultaneously to keep yourself company and keep yourself sane. Ooh...'like...' appears in the same way twice up there. Neat-o.



But I'm going down the road to tangent hell so I'll get back to my tongue.

I was eating a beef and dumpling and carrot and gravy tv dinner, which was absolutely gorgeous, and then suddenly I became a little more of a carnivore than I intended to be. It was over fast. One minute my tongue was working in harmony with my teeth and jaw and other foody parts like my hand and the fork (and lets not forget the food itself...can't assume it was some kind of mutiny, now). The next minute there was a sickening, bone-conducted sound in my left ear of a muffled crunch.



Fear not, dear Oasis readers, I did not bite off more than I could chew.



However, I did have that instant shock feeling of 'Oh, SHIT...I have just done a bad, bad thing.' You know that feeling? It's creepy. It was like...total detachment. A million things run through my mind. I've just bit through my tongue. Have I bit anything off? Ow! Fucking ow! I will not be able to enjoy the rest of my meal!!! (Yeah, the gluttonous fatty in me said that one. Then the deadly sin of vanity took over.) I will have a tongue deformed forever more! What will future girlfriends think, should I ever somehow be torn asunder from this reputedly everlasting relationship I am currently in? What will my current girlfriend say when she gets home from work any minute? Should I go look in the mirror? Should I expect great pools of blood?



The fact that there were actually not great pools of blood was a bit scarier than if there had been...I finally went to the mirror and had a look. Other than 2 spots of blood above and below, there wasn't much to see. The side of my tongue did not look 'right' but I was afraid to investigate too closely in case I discovered something was hanging by a thread.



Feeling queerly queasy yet? Hope not. If we can face discrimination and bullying we can cope with a little gore. (Suddenly I recall the former vice president. Whatever happened to him?)



So I go get some TCP (British first aid disinfectant stuff that you dilute in varying amounts) and gargle with it for like..10 minutes. Then, as I was still totally panicking, the calm half of me suddenly remembered something. I knew a guy a few years ago who told the story of a fight he got in. He got into a really bad fight in high school once. He gave as good as he got, but he was punched in the mouth a lot, and after he started spitting blood, he realised he'd cut his tongue to ribbons. The guys all went to see the PE teacher, who took a look and said 'Well...your tongue is in four pieces but leave it alone and it'll grow back in a few days.' And it did. Tongues heal. Spit cures.



I realised I was probably gonna be ok. So even though there is a puncture wound going through the side of my tongue, and it's still pretty evident when you look at it that this is the case, it's feeling a lot better.



I finished my meal by getting a plastic knife and cutting up the whole thing til it was a kind of goulash. Then I slurped it. My girlfriend was suitably shocked when she came home, but glad I was ok.



I told the ordeal to my straight male skater friends today and the verdict was that it was kind of like having a homemade pierced tongue. Then I remembered that tongue piercings heal up quickly, thus adding validity to the story of old. So now I'm considering doing that (um, minus the homemade bit). But I suppose it would annoy me when it plinked against my teeth. It's not so bad though...and, like I said, it's much better now.



So, um...that's my news. (Waves tongue.) See yous around! :P