This day has gone from okay to hell. I just realized how depressed I am. I hate it, because I act better, and sometimes I think I am better, I can deal with it now, there aren't 40 new slashes on my arm every day, but I am no better off. I miss having someone call me sweetheart, I miss holding hands at the movies, and sweet kisses, and slow dances. I miss 2 hour long phone calls and smiling. I don't even care if she sees this, but I like her so much, we have so much in common, she is beautiful. I know her heart is elsewhere, but it doesn't change anything. I guess I'll see, but I'm not like that. I make a fool of myself with sweet comments and poems. I'm so confused... Normally I could forget, I'm not good with the whole 'courting' thing... I'd never see them again unless I called anyway, you know my luck, meeting the person who lives an hour away. No, she is in my school, goddesses though, she can make me smile... I should just forget and let her move on, let her live her life... I can't though... I don't even know what to do now... We are always busy, a date is just about impossible... I'm not even sure if she likes me like that...
On the bus home today I was called a dyke, faggot, and queer from multiple people. I was called ugly and fat by others. I dealt with this for 40 minutes. I managed to stay silent, and not cry. Dammit, my self esteem is already pretty low as of late and hearing this didn't help. Normally, I am confident and cool with insults about my sexuality, but today, it just crushed me. I always have had body issues, never eating disorders, but I am very self contious... I wanted to cry.
I am doing awfully in school, I don't care anymore, I want to learn something I am goine to use, I want to care and love a subject the way I used to. I am getting C's and F's on some tests and I can't bring myself to care. I need to, it is junior year, and since we are poor I need a scholorship or I can't go to college, I want to go to Williams, or SUNY Oswego, or U. Long Island. I need money for those schools, we can't afford it. I want to go to a good school, and with these grades it isn't happening. I am a junior, I should care more not less.
I wish Max lived closer... I don't even know why but I want to just tell him everything, talk to him... kiss him... give him a hug. I want someone who can say "I know exactly how you feel." and mean it. I want to be rebellious, I want someone to hold me, to press their lips on mine and say "lets get out of this hell hole" and me to go too, to get away from this place that holds me down. I want t. to come with me, some place where her parents don't care, where I can see her, wake up with her, be there for her.
I want to drag a silver blade down my arm, watch the blood. I want it to burn, I want it to be deep. I want the blood to pour out, taking everything with it. Everything that makes me feel. Again and again I want to cut, I want the pain. I want the distraction. I won't do it though. I wish I could. People care too much. I'm not going to kill myself.