I have just gone through what happens to be one of the hardest periods of my life. Firstly .. i have to finish off how me and the boyfriend met though. Although he is now my ex-boyfriend .. but that happens later , or a few days ago , depending on how you look at it.

We hooked up on the train party , and quickly got very into each other. What was nice, was the fact that I could actually talk about work without him going completely blank on me. Things were slowly moving forward, until skip called me one morning and said we needed to speak. So the entire day i sit wondering what the hell is going on in his head.

He comes over to my place, and sits me down and tells me the relationship is just not working for him. I enquire why .. and he says something along the lines of "it just doesn't feel right". I enquire how it's supposed to feel , and he is stumped. At this point I don't have too much of an emotional investment in this relationship , although I do like him a great deal. So i accept this reason for breaking up , and i start moving on (although I have to admit this confused me a lot. We had just spent an awesome weekend together, and were just growing closer).

I get a phone call the next day begging to see me , that he made a great mistake. So i agree to see him. We get together , and the boy is in tears. He tells me how he freaked out because we were getting serious and all he could think of when going home from my place was about what a big mistake he was making. He also wrote me the following haiku:

My heart is breaking
because i thought with my head
i miss you so much

The short of that saga is , that I took him back. I figured that we had a much better shot at happiness than most, and i do genuinely like him. Like soon grew to love .. and for the first time in my life, i was in a committed relationship where it just came naturally. I learnt a lot about myself in these few weeks .. like the fact that I can function well in a relationship, something which I never expected. I have a very coloured childhood , and have a habit of attracting the wrong men for the wrong reason , so this came as a kind of a shock to me.

A few months ago , my mother phoned me one morning telling me that she was giving away all her worldly posessions and starting over. While I love my mother, I have never agreed with the kind of men she has been involved with. This isn't patronisingly so , or a bittersweet 'no man is good enough for my mom' sentiment .. she just really gets involved with the scum of the earth. So she is moving to cape town .. and i completely applaud this , as it frees her from 3 failed marraiges and 3 ex-husbands who don't know well enough to leave her the fuck alone (and that includes my father).

Me and skip decide to make a pilgrimage down to cape town to go introduce him to my mother , and just have our first vacation together. This was due to happen at the end of November through Mid December. Remember this, you will be quized in a few paragraphs.

So me and skip go to this party(my site btw) a few weeks ago... and while there (and mightily not sober i might add , on a combination of mda and 2ci) I realize I hadn't seen skip in a while .. so after tracking him down .. we are bobbing around in the luxuriously heated swimming pool in a sub tropical paradise... and he tells me how hot he thinks my one friend richard is. Me and richard are okay'ish friends.. although we are too close friends where turning into fuck buddies and threesome partners would fuck things up a bit. He then looks me into my eyes and asks 'well , can I'. I'm kind of shocked .. we have had the open relationship/fooling around discussion before , and I explicitly told him that I wasn't quite comfortable with it right at this point. I explicitly told him that we could swing a bit to spice up our sex lives one day should it sag.. but it sure as hell wasn't doing so at the moment. (sex for breakfast lunch and supper was the norm at this stage). He then told me how he and richard had gone to the bathrooms and had kissed. And then he proceeds to argue with me for about an hour about how he needed this kind of freedom. I finally got the discussion ended and the weekend kept on going it's way.

It just kept on eating at me though.. it grew in my mind , and grew in my mind .. until after 3 days, I was losing sleep over it all. It occurred to me that skip told me to my face, that not only was he capable of cheating on me.. he wanted to cheat on me.. with my fucking friends. How in the fuck was I supposed to process this. I had been faithfull to skip to the point of turning down sex atleast twice in the 3 months of us being together. I just didn't need to be with anyone else. My sexual desires had been filled. Long time readers of the site (~1 year ago) might remember me speaking about a particularly slutty cross section of my circle of friends, and how 1 of them had daned me good enough to shag on a quiet night.. and how i spent the rest of the year playing 5th wheel to everyone's sexcapades .. with doors being slammed in my face so that groups of 3 or 4 of my friends could go fuck like little homosexual bunnies. All that rejection really fucked with my head for many a month. Until i got to a point in my life, where i realize my self esteem didn't depend on what other people thought of me. I had to build my self esteem up from scratch, and here .. the one person i loved and trusted started scratching at these scabs .. making me feel the odd person out again. fuck that.

I mulled it over , and mulled it over for days before i finally went to see skip on the tuesday afterwards. What hurt a lot was that he had grown very emotionally distant from me after I told him that I wasn't ok with him fucking around. I spent some time with him on tuesday, but I was still sick with concern/regret/whatever. I just didn't have the guts to bring it up.

The next day , i get an email from my mother .. telling me that she would not be in capetown anymore when i was there , meaning our accomodation and transport was no longer available. It all gets a whole fuckload more 'all my children' than that however. The reasons my mom moved, is that she has been on a bit of a downer of late.. about a year ago , she met again, and got involved with the love of her life from before i was born. He had gotten his mistress pregnant and was forced to marry her. So she meets this guy , and falls head over heels for him. Eventually she goes into business with him , and her best friend becomes his sister.

His sister is mentally unstable, and just plain shady .. and eventually get suicidal. My mother is one the phone to her one morning, and she is threatening to kill herself. Until she blows her brain into he car's roof while on the telephone to my mom. My mother being too nice to want to worry me.. organizes the funeral, the will .. the house for the new orphaned child.. and everything .. because the rest of the universe around her is too fucking insipid to do what needs to be done. During the course of this, she finds out the love of her life is busy having an affair for the last year.. with his fucking cousin. *blink*. I only find this out about 3 weeks after the fact, when i find out she had gone to visit my (unstable ex-lesbian alcoholic) sister to recover from the nervous breakdown she had. My sister has the habit of being incredibly generous , and trecherous and lecherous. She gets you into her good books and then manipulates you for her own sick and twisted gain. She is not a nice person, but she is stinking rich .. so the rest of the family tolerates her.

Anyway .. after a few months my mother decides to move down, and i support her 100% .. since she was in a funk and i just hate to see my mom depressed. On the drive down (about 13 hours) .. about 30 minutes from the end, she is involved in a car accident that could be partly construed as her fault .. the gist of the situation is that a 23 year old police officer driving a brand new mercedes slk they had impounded for evidence drives at 180 in a residential area, my mother tries to pass a truck .. the car sees her and loses control .. fucks into another car and the police officer is killed. The police take her into custody trying to break her down into pleading guilty or something stupid. She spends 7 hours in a cell in the local cop shop. This is her first day in capetown.

I hear this, and it is at this point I decide that I MUST go and see my mother. So being involved i get skip into the plan aswell.. Last week wednesday ... i get an email from my mother , telling me the following :

She is having such a hard time, since she is in the process of another mental breakdown. She had fallen in love and gotten engaged to a surgeon she had been courting online before she even moved to cape town. He had proposed to her , but had said that he needed to do his duty as a capable doctor first, and willingly signed up for duty in the UN medical corps. He was stationed in Liberia , when rebels overrun the town he was in and mortally wounded him. He died on the UN helicoptor to a hospital in Nigeria. From what I can tell, this man would have been my mothers first husband I would actually approve of. So i am torn .. my first holiday with my first proper boyfriend is being put in jeopardy by my mother going through a fucking soap opera time in her life. I was upset, I was sad .. i was confused.. but atleast it gave me something else to think of than my boyfriend being unfaithfull to me.

I finally managed to sort out some arrangement for accomodation and transport by the friday .. and the world was going well again. Except I got taken down by the flu. And although we had decided to have a quiet weekend, we still had social engagements. So i went to a few parties I said I would go to .. just to show face. got miserable and went home. As skip was taking me home on saturday night.. he became very distant , and he told me that he was just depressed and he didn't know why. I did my best to cheer him up , got him into bed. and let him sleep it off. We woke up the next morning (which coincidentally happened to be our 3 monthiversary) and he picked up his cellphone and saw 3 missed calls from a work colleague.

He phones her back saying how this can't be good news. While on the phone, he grows despondent and falls down in a puddle on the floor and bursts into tears. Suspecting the worst I run to get him something for shock. It turns out one of his best friends and coworkers had died the night before in a car crash. I spend the rest of the day consolling him and keeping his mind off of the meaning of it all. It breaks my heart to see him like this, and I don't envy him for anything in the world. In the process I manage to get sicker , and he spends the night at my place since he only needed to be at work later.

I wake up around noon , having taken the day off to recover, and skip phones me to tell me he had been sent home from work (this person was his closest friend and confidant at the office, so he kept on hearing her voice the whole time.. and seeing her empty desk. it must have been very taxing). He comes to my place at about 1am .. and we are not inside the house for 10 minutes , when his car alarm goes off. We run outside , to find the back wheels stolen off of his car , and the car having collapsed off of the bricks thus setting the car alarm off.

This is in broad daylight, 1 block away from an entire sidewalk of restaurants/stores in a _very_ nice part of town. I am shocked. I have never heard of something like this happening before in our part of town. We phone the (totally fucking incompetent) police department .. start working on buying new wheel .. it turns out his insurance excesses would be MORE than just replacing them himself. It would have been better if they stole the whole car. Anyway .. not to bore you with the details. .. but it takes us 2 days and much much money to get hs car restored to working condition.. and i take another day off from work .. just driving around with him.

I am finally back to work , and apart from the email i write to him , i get no concrete answers or replies. Emotionally cold and distant. He tells me he needs time to breathe , and i give it to him. On friday I ask if I am seeing him this weekend , and he tells me that he is taking some sleeping pills and just catching up on sleep.. he would speak to me the next day. I wake up around 11am and send him a text message. An hour or two later i get the reply that he is at Richard's place and they are spending the day together. This really gets to me .. after all the concern I have for the well being.. knowing that i love him , and i care for him.. I am still not the first person he turns to in a time of need. Indeed he goes and spends the day with a friend of mine whom i introduced him to , whom he has told me to my face he wants to cheat on me with. I finally break down and talk to my friend, confidant , 'big sister' and housemate shania. She is awestruck. She can't believe I put up with this for so long , and she can't believe Richard would sink so low. The fact that someone else found this state of affairs deplorable gives me the strength to finally confront skip.

I send him text messages asking when i would see him , he replies something along the lines of "prolly tonight". It's not until 4 phone calls and 10 fucking hours later that I finally see my boyfriend. It would have been better if i hadn't of known where he was. But KNOWING where he was, with whom he was there, what his intentions were.. but not knowing for a fact what he was up to .. was soul destroying. I confronted him.. and although what was said is between us, it came down to him admitting that he was only going to hurt me, and that he just wasn't ready for the kind of relationship we had to be in.

So i'm single again.

Now, i don't want to go to cape town with him anymore, and i sure as hell don't want to go without him. Hence i have spent the last day trying to punt our non cancellable , non transferable tickets. I have told my mother (who had said she would stay in cpt longer just to give us somewhere to stay) we were broken up , and she is now back in town on wednesday. My vacation plans have fallen apart .. but hey .. atleast i have my playstation (did i mention i bought a ps2 somewhere in all this?)

This month has been hell... but please god make it be over soon.