Okay, so I haven't posted in awhile (or a really long time...) but it is because I miss my family, my oasis family. This site is becoming like any other, I hardly know anyone anymore, it isn't personal... but here I am, updating you on my life... taken from my webjournal...

Today: It's been almost 2 years since I have gotten crap about my sexuality, well it is starting again, and while it doesn't hurt me, it bugs me. People are so sterotypical, cruel, ignorant, and just plain rude. In the library we have a sign in book for study, well, I cam in and next to my name "dyke" was written. First off, that isn't an insult, not unless you are ignorant enough to think it one, secondly, if you are going to insult me of make fun of me at least be man (or woman) enough to do it to my face.

10/13- So I guess I’m long due for a rant, and here it is…

I feel lost. Like I am floating, somewhere with really thin ropes holding me down… I don’t know why, I have so much, so many people who care… Talia is wonderful, I can confide in her for everything… Heather is my sister, my phoenix… Becca, Sean, Rachelle, so many people… and I hope to be more open to making friends, I haven’t trusted in so long… But I am trying, and well, we will see…

I got my first refusal from a publisher. It hurt… but it was last night so nothing could bring me down a lot… I submitted At the Rainbow’s End to the magazine Seventeen and I got a handwritten note with it saying I was very talented for my age and the story was wonderful but would not fit what they were looking for. Whatever. It’s not like I am great anyway… sometimes when the moment strikes I can be, but for the most part… it has to come from my heart… and in months nothing has come. It’s at www.fictionpress.com if any one wants to look.. I am Celtic Dragoness.

Sooo… the concert kicked butt times a trillion and 4. Hanging with Sarah and Amanda and people I didn’t really know was really awesome. I love Heather and Sean and Jo and people dearly but they can’t let loose and be real and She can. Goddesses, She can. I loved watching her, that sounds sketchy, but it was amazing, and she is so pretty… But I know she’ll never see me like that. The concert rocked, I have been looking at my Something Corporate T-shirt every 5 seconds, its signed by 4 of them, and it is sooooo cool.

Mom is yelling… I hate moments like this… I want to leave sometimes and never come back, but I’d lose so much and I don’t have anywhere to go…

10-3-03:
It's been sixteen weeks since I last hurt myself, and I can't say I haven't thought about it, but it isn't a part of my life anymore, it only crosses my mind. I'm not going back. I tried to end this life twice but not anymore. I'm choosing life. I'm choosing to move on. It's funny how I could write then, how the words just flowed so easily. I finished novels, and stories, and poems... and now, the words have run dry. Don't get me wrong, my life isn't a piece of Sunshine, but I'm here and I am smiling. I'm an actress, yes, but I am too good at hiding and I need to stop. So, I am, and a good percentage of the time now, my smile is real. When She is here it is... I want so much to run away, to be with her, to not have to hide behind doors and hold hands under a sweatshirt in the car. I want to hold her hand walking down the street. I want to wear the cladagh ring the way it is supposed to go, right side up. "Taken" because I am, totally and completely. I know you'll just look at me and say "You're a teenager. You can't love. You don't know what love is." But I do, oh I do. It isn't a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. It isn't sex, it isn't making out in the movies. It's someone who you have spilled your soul to, who has seen you at your worse, and at your best. Who is always there with a shoulder to cry on. I may be describing a friend, but I know that. Someone you love is someone who is your friend, and because they are your friend you can share your body with them. It isn't dating, it isn't money, it isn't gifts... So listen up all you 13 year olds who aren't virgins, you 18 year olds with babies dropping out of school, and you who want to fall into the mold with the rest of our slutty generation, don't ruin your life, you don't need to be dating, you don't need to be having sex, graduate, get a job, then worry about finding that love... All right I went off on a tangent, but I truly am disgusted with America... in a big way... go to www.soaw.org to get a brief idea, and that isn't even half of it... I miss Her. She is my best friend, and oh goddesses, so much more. I want to have the song by Evanescence, you know the one "Anywhere" off the old CD, I want that to be true. That's my song to her... maybe someday it will come true... For now, school is eating away at my brain, and giving me headaches... There's my rant of the day....

Well, that just about covers it, I miss you all! And welcome to the newbies... I hope you find a family here like I have...