Listen to Fiona Apple songs at 3:30 in the morning, feeling the presence of the unread Hollocaust packet next to my desk chair on the floor. Hearing my roommates toss and turn in bed. Looking at the glare of the highway lights through the raindrops on the window. Thinking back to the days when I first realized that I wasn't actually "just kidding" when I flirted with my girl friends. Sometimes I reflect on my past and want to transport myself back to those moments, even though at that time in my life I was so plagued with confusion, self-doubt, and a subtle but prevalent loneliness that I wasn't very happy with my suburban, teenage existence. I want to be back in my room, watching the sun set over the palm trees and house rooves in my neighborhood, avoiding high school homework and looking up profiles that had the words "bisexual", "lesbian", "queer" in them, listening to Sarah McLachlan and fantasizing about a lifestyle that i didn't believe i could integrate into my own. I miss it. I couldn't tell you why. I guess I just miss the purity and innocence of those captured moments or something. Now that I know I'm capable of overcoming those obstacles, they don't seem so horrible anymore I guess.
So here I am. In my dorm. Out to a good number of people, going to GLBT meetings, checking girls out, [still liking boys,] wondering how to meet and relate to women and where to go from here now that I've established some self-confidence and respect.
Living this dual boy-liking, girl-liking life is a little strange. I mean, I just don't know exactly how to fit myself into the rest of society. The only thing I've been able to come up with so far is to present myself to other people the same way I present myself to me. I don't know if the world is ready for that yet, though. And I don't know how ready I am to make myself that vulnerable. Is it worth it? Sure I want change, but I also don't want to be subjected to pain.
So instead I'll put in my ear phones, drowning myself in the sexy essence that is Fiona Apple, and think about how it once was, and how I want to mold and shape and define it now.