Hi all, I've been meaning to write this for a couple of days now. It recently dawned on me, how lonely I am and I've been inspired to write ita ll down for the wolrd to see. I don't have anything really inspirational to say but I never really do, so it's okay.

It's hot.

Whenever I'm reminded that I need to connect with someone (in that special way). I get these pains in my stomach. the first time I saw the movie "Beautiful Thing" I was kept up at night with this longing in my stomach. It made me love the film eventhough i was so depressed about being in the closet (this was years ago) and knowing I wouldn't be able to experience "love."

This time, however, I was getting used to my very long streak of no even remote prospects (though I've never really had one work out) the I met this guy at a conference last weekend, and I thought we cliqued, especially since I'd been checking him out for a solid day before we talked, and I gave him my contact info. Four days have passed and I hear nothing. I was freaking out mostly because I liked him and thought we clicked but also because this is the closest I've come to meeting a guy hat I liked in a year and I'm afraid if something doesn't happen soon then my dick will fall off and I'll be some creepy high school teacher who lives with his mother and doesn't date. Granted, this is my irrational, somewhat scary ('m scared) side but I'm almost 19 and I've done nothing. I've spent nights with tugging feeling in my stomach (see above) just wanting to know what it's like to hold another guy and when I looked at him all I could think is that I'd be so happy with just a dance or a date. And when I realized that that probably wouldn't happen, something inside told me that it might never happen, at least not with someone I like.

Then I talked to the empress and she gave me this litle tidbit along-with some advice that helped make me a little more rational.

"The Empress of Finland: my psych teacher would tell us about these really shy people who hadn't done anything.. like never been out on a date and they were starting to get older(30s). and how he worked with them and by this time.. the whole dating thing had gotten weird and much harder.. maybe you should really make an effort on this.. before it gets even weirder and harder.. i mean.. everything ussually gets easier after the first time.."

I've said a lot more than I intended and I have to wake up to go to work tomorrow so, I'll end here and continue waiting for the first time that will make things easier.