How does one go about prepping oneself for being seen as gross, an abomination, or as someone who has been deceiving and is now being cruel?
I know that an unfortunately large number of people have gone through this, and an unfortunately large number of people are going through this right now, but so far I've been careful not to let the people I know will reject me know.
But it is time.
I have 2 more weeks here.
Then two or three more days here, and then I'm gone.
I only have 3 more days of work, so there goes that excuse.
I have people I need to tell; specifically one girl who is my sister all but biologically, whose family, a second family to me, is ragingly conservatively Catholic.
Examples and warning signs:
Her mother is set on the "love the sinner, hate the sin" view.
Her family refuses to talk about a cousin she has who is gay.
Her grandmother treats a question as to whether or not someone is gay as a beyond offensive insult.
And her uncle, the only non Catholic, turns off the tv if there is a gay show or a gay character on and crudely talks about "fags" - he has also made comments about "butch" such and such in the past.
So how do I open the door and with it the possiblity that these people could see me for what I am? The weight of being the bearer of "bad" news, the black sheep, the disappointment, or maybe just the confused little girl whose liberal views became too much for her, this is weighing down on me and compressing my lungs so that it is hard to breathe in deeply and take in the fullness of air.
I am going to tell her. I already decided. I already know. And I won't be around for the aftershock of when her relatives eventually find out. But they won't be around to congratulate me on my next graduation, to offer me a place to stay at their lake house, to attend my marriage someday [supposing the USA gets its ass in line].
Please give me the control to take a deep breath and hold back my tears as I turn from the honored guest to the incident in the past who is no longer mentioned ... the brief, "Julie had so much going for her, it's too bad she rejected all that's good and delved into a life of sin"
I take a deep breath. This will be a new experience. New feelings. New Reality. It will all lead to a greater understanding - a more complete living, enriched appreciation of joy.
I swallow. Hold my fist to my heart. And fly.