girls tease and i don't like it. at all. i hate playing games and in the past two days i've run into not one but two girls that like playing games.

after clubbing with julie, i realized what she meant when she told me that she was a tease. accepting all my moves but not reciprocating. shit. i don't like being the only initiator; i don't mind doing it part of the time, but it's a two-way street damnit.

then there's my "straight but likes girls" friend. last night she just went too far in teasing me. i sat up in bed (get yo mind out of the gutter, we weren't doing anything) and told her (for the first time i guess) that she really was arousing me with her teasing (that has been going on since i met her 18 months ago) and that i couldn't take it anymore, basically. so... i'm not really sure what's happening to that friendship, but all i knew was that i couldn't deal with it anymore - i wanted more.

*sigh* this is too frustrating. i wish julie would be a little more responsive. well, she did put her arm around me. and (oh my god, i loved this) when i was behind her with my arms around her neck and my chin on her shoulder, she was touching my arm (omgomgomgomg) and playing with my bracelets. and then she poked me. oh, yueah, and then she apparently wasn't too mad when josh... well never mind. AHHHHHH! and she kept fluffing my hair even though it was all sweaty from dancing for 3 hours and i didn't even want to touch it. but when she goes to drop me off, all she says is, "ok, bye lauren." no kiss, no hug, no handshake or pat on the shoulder or hair fluff or anything.

there's one thing that i did that i wish i hadn't, though. i mean, it was great for me, but i'm not really sure how she reacted to it and... well, let me explain. we had been dancing with each other all night but we weren't dancing together as in actually touching each other or whatever. so, i'd been hugging her and whatever throughout the night but she was being enigmatic and i was going a little crazy. finally, as we were dancing in front of each other, i just walked behind her and put my hands on her waist. we were just dancing like that for awhile but then she remembered that it was almost 1:30 and she had to be home soon so she turned around to ask what time it was. we went to look for josh and his friend tim but couldn't find tim so she said to josh, "tell you what: you go look for tim and we'll keep dancing." and this is the girl that said she can't dance and and and i just don't know and julie you're making me crazy so stop it!!! i sorta wished that i hadn't done that though because i was close to her and i think that it was kinda personal (and i've been wanting things to built up so they'll at least sustain for the summer) and i couldn't even see the reaction on her face. and that's been bugging me ever since friday morning.

fuck. i guess i'm just too hot-and-bothered/sexually repressed or something. i don't know, but this is just torture. i want more and i'm impatient and nothing's happening fast enough for me but then i move too quickly and freak out and the whole thing is just a whirlwind of... insanity emotional roller coast shit.

i think i'm just going to have to be straight up with julie and say something along the lines of, "hey, i know it would just be a summer thing, but i'm into you and it would be kinda cool if we could get something casual going on." she's just had a string of 1-5 day flings, though. damndamn =(. well, i'm going to hold out for about a week and see what happens. maybe she'll call me. (shit, that's exactly what i said in march about a guy who ended up avoiding me like monkey pox - i really pick 'em, don't i?). and as for my "straight" friend, well... i don't really know.

now i know what guys mean when they say that girls are teases. this sucks.