been a while
I feel like crying. Even though I saw J yesterday and will see her tommorrow, I feel so empty. Her bfriend isn't making this any easier. He knows everything thats going on between J and I and he's not putting up a fight or anything. Don't get me wrong I don't want to steal her from him. It's just I'm frustrated that she's not making a choice. I know she feels for me the way I do for her. But she's afraid to leave her bfriend. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind so that I could help but i know this is something she has to work out on her own. It's just tearing my heart apart though. I don't know how much I can take. I mean if she doesn't want to be with me than I wish she'd say so, so that I can stop torturing myself over what I think may be going on in her head.
Yesterday at our town common, there was a band concert like there is every week. J and I were there with some friends and towards the end her and I took a walk around and we held hands. It was cute. Nobody said a thing and we felt proud. I know this isn't just a crush, Everything we've done together has felt so right. From the car rides, holding hands, and just hanging out together. Is this the way I'm love's supposed to be or am I a dellusional freak?
But there's another point of view that needs a voice. A friend, Mae, says that I should back off because she's got a bfriend. And I say that her boyfriend is encouraging her to be with me. Which in my mind is saying that it's ok if she breaks up with him. AHHH!!! this is all so confusing.
Now yesterday at the concert, Mae was making some moves on one of my other friends Nick. Nick doesn't like her and J, Nick and I were trying to tell her to back off because of this. Mae says to me that I should be thankfull that she's not going after me. The background to that is she's had a thing for me in the past. We've shared secrets in the past of which I will not speak again. During this arguement at the concert she was hinting at them in front of my other friends and I'm afraid they will be brought up.
I'm such a loser...
thats enough ranting for now. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I could do? Thanx.
-Angel
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Comments
been there...
hey i know exactly where you are coming from...i had a relationship with my best friend. a couple days after we both told each we liked each other she hooked up with a guy who she had kinda hooked up with in the summer. she was worried and offered to break it off with him cause she loved me, but i said no, because i knew how much she cared about him. they went out for 3 months and we kept our relationship a secret, which was totally fine cause im not really out, not publicly anyways. anyways after him she half dated this other guy, while her and i were growing stronger and stronger everyday. see we had the perfect relationship, the only problem was she is straight and had trouble sometimes with her feelings for me. i had no problem with this because i loved her and i know she loved me. long story short, she broke things off with my cause she fell in love with another guy and decided she would never be able to come out so to speak and didn't want to hurt me more. what im trying to say i guess is don't let people tell you what to do with J. if you love each other or even like each other then don't hold back. but, be patient, don't be afraid to wait for her if she will wait for you. does she not want to break up with her boyfriend because she still has feelings for him or because she doesnt want to hurt him? if she just doesnt want to hurt him, breaking things off with him will be easier in the long run and will hurt him less. i hope this made sense to you lol and does relate :)
christina
Thanx
well, it's like, they have been together for 4 years. She says that befor he came along, she was miserable. I guess it's sort of dependancy, or something. She says that she still cares for him but is not really attracted to him as much as she was. J also tells me that she doesn't want to hurt him. I don't blame her. He's a nice guy. He's strange. J tells him everything. So he knows whats going on between us. He's not fighting for her really. It's almost as if her wants J and I to be together. Or wants the three of us to be together which is sort of wierd. If it wasn't for the fact that he knows I'm gay, I could swear that he's been hitting on me. ahh...i just wish i knew what the hell is going on. But I'll take your advice and thank you. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's got/had this problem.=P
-Angel