I feel like crying. Even though I saw J yesterday and will see her tommorrow, I feel so empty. Her bfriend isn't making this any easier. He knows everything thats going on between J and I and he's not putting up a fight or anything. Don't get me wrong I don't want to steal her from him. It's just I'm frustrated that she's not making a choice. I know she feels for me the way I do for her. But she's afraid to leave her bfriend. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind so that I could help but i know this is something she has to work out on her own. It's just tearing my heart apart though. I don't know how much I can take. I mean if she doesn't want to be with me than I wish she'd say so, so that I can stop torturing myself over what I think may be going on in her head.
Yesterday at our town common, there was a band concert like there is every week. J and I were there with some friends and towards the end her and I took a walk around and we held hands. It was cute. Nobody said a thing and we felt proud. I know this isn't just a crush, Everything we've done together has felt so right. From the car rides, holding hands, and just hanging out together. Is this the way I'm love's supposed to be or am I a dellusional freak?
But there's another point of view that needs a voice. A friend, Mae, says that I should back off because she's got a bfriend. And I say that her boyfriend is encouraging her to be with me. Which in my mind is saying that it's ok if she breaks up with him. AHHH!!! this is all so confusing.
Now yesterday at the concert, Mae was making some moves on one of my other friends Nick. Nick doesn't like her and J, Nick and I were trying to tell her to back off because of this. Mae says to me that I should be thankfull that she's not going after me. The background to that is she's had a thing for me in the past. We've shared secrets in the past of which I will not speak again. During this arguement at the concert she was hinting at them in front of my other friends and I'm afraid they will be brought up.
I'm such a loser...
thats enough ranting for now. Does anyone have any suggestions of what I could do? Thanx.