It's not worth it to cut yourself. I know from experience. If you have the control to stop then do it. I had the control but didn't use it and it just got a lot worse. Trust me you don't want it to control your life forever. I understand everything that you are saying and it all makes perfect sense. But DON'T DO IT!! I am here if you need someone to listen that has been there and understands what it is like to feel like hurting yourself.
Kris :)

minimal, but thats really the point. Saying all the things I should say, or could say, but never will. Maybe because Im to scared, maybe becuase I know you'd say I'd never understand, maybe for a lot of reasons. But you know what? I think you're wrong. And Im wrong. And we're both so wrong that we don't knows whats right. Becuase Gods know I don't. I don't know anything anymore. Im sitting here crying, becuase Im not sure if any of the things I used to know are true. Everything about you, and me and people in general and just stupid shit, its like I've been walking around blindfolded my entire life and now the blindfolds finally come off, and the sun, it burns. Everythings so bright it cuts right through my eyes and I can't see anything clearly, but its not what I thought it was. I don't think we really know each other, sometimes. There was a point in my life you knew everything about me, it was pitiful. I remember, being at Jo's notebook burning party, and we were all telling stories, just things about ourselves that had happened and shit, and there wasn't anything about me you didn't already know. You knew, everything. I told you everything. And I didn't really know you. I still don't. So I desided that night to keep secrets, starting right then. And I've been hoarding them ever sense. In a way, Im a completely different person than I used to be. We've both changed so much. But I know I still don't know you. I can barely read you, four years later. That really hurts. You're practicely my sister, and there is so much I don't know about you, that you can't trust me with. and so much I can't trust you with. And even if I did, you wouldn't get it. Its like we're speaking different languages or something. Most of the time I can just ignore this, jsut make myself forget. But I was rereading our blog entries, trying to find where you told me about your cutting, and talking to Tal last night, and it just hit me again. YOu really don't know me, and you don't really trust me. I can kind of understand that, I act and speak really stupidly, but I would kinda hope that after four years you could see past the stupid, to who I am and what Im really trying to say. I think part of the problem is you take me for granted, but then you don't really take me for granted enough? Its so wierd. You imideitely think you know me, and to a point you do. But Im not sure you leave room for change, for me to be anything other than you think I am. And yet, you don't take me advantage enough. Even as I sit here, hurting, I will be here as long as you need me. Im not sure you realise how much I actually mean that. I would willingly throw myself of a cliff for you. I WOULD DIE FOR YOU. But Im not sure you get it. It must be hollow when I say it, or something. I would give years off my life to understand you, you walk around in your skin for a bit. I will do just about anything to help you. But aparently, I don't understand. But you know what, I think I understand to well. Up until you start babbling about boys, there isn't one place in that entire blog I haven't been, I don't understand clear as day. Oh, maybe not the same way, I don't cut to make my pains blank out, but I've given in to similar urges. Loosing friends, thats one pain and fear thats been my constant companion sense I was six. Yes, when I talk about why it must seem effing stupid compared with your shit-hole existance, but that doesn't make it hurt less to me. You know what, I thought I was losing you every day last year, and quiet a lot of this year. "...Damn. If they even knew half of who I was..." Shit, what have I been saying? Shouldn't even need to adress this at this point. Look me in the eyes girl. Do you really know who and what you are looking at? I don't see how, seeign as half the time even I don't. As for hating aspects of oneself.... *bitter smile* I hate myself most of the time, absolutely completely, so is that close enough? Ha, suprise suprise, bet you never knew about that. Don't feel bad, no one else does either. I wouldn't even mention it if I wasn't sure you'de never bother to go all the way back and find this. I wouldn't say any of this. So I guess it'll stay our little secret, between a non-existant you and I. Me. Us. Fey, Beryl, Heather, and Dragon. How nice, why don't we all sit down for tea? Arg, this was enough like material for a bad emo song, now Im just getting fucking wierd, time to go face the real, non-comunication-friendly world, but damn is it good to say some of this, for all it probably doesn't make sense. My last words on the subject; I don't think we will never know each until we hear the voice with which we think, and seeing as thats impossible, I guess we'll have to settle for second best. *sigh* Im willing to give it a shot, I guess, seeing as its the best we can do. Im going to go and attempt being happy again, and ignore Im living a second best lie and all this shit. Toodles,
Forever yours,
~ Fey and Co.
p.s. If you can't be loved the way you are I guess Im screwed for life. Power to me, now I can go join a nunnery and know Im not missing anything!