I want to cut so bad... don't ask me why, I'm not entirely sure. Well, I am, but I don't see why I want to cut because it isn't going to help a gods damned thing. Its an addiction, to the pain, the crimson pain. A release, a distraction, call it what you will. For awhile it makes that more important than life, than whatever else has gone wrong. I hate that I am typing this now, I hate that I am fucked up enough to need to be typing this. I know that Beryl will come and say she loves me and whatnot but she can't help, I want her to be able to, but damn, she can't understand. Honestly, at this point I don't know who can. I wish I could understand it all. On the outside, everyone envies me, everyone just thinks of me as the punk geek over in the corner. Damn. If they even knew half of who I was I'd like to see them laugh then. There isn't a hell of alot to laugh about. Yes, I'm in AP, yea I have all A's, yes I'm a geek, I love to read and write. They all think I'm as shallow as that. I laugh at them. I laugh at everyone who thinks they know me. One person knows me, and I'm not so sure about her anymore... she's changing and I am so afraid to lose her because she is everything to me... but now I don't know, its been a few weeks since we've really talked. I never used to be able to go a day without hearing from her. Now look what's happening. I have a new friend, though the friendship is so unbalanced we are bound to fall sometime... I don't want to, but we are both so crapped up, and so unable to trust, that we somehow stumbled upon each other... and damn, if we had met at another other time, I would be in love... but this isn't anyother time, this is the time of playing with Dragon's heart. Matt and Zach. Matt, I know where the relationship stands and I know where it is staying. Yes, I am in love with him, but I can't have him like that, we both know that, and are just trying to hold on to each other to remain really, really good friends. Then Zach, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know what to do to make it work. I know he wants it to, I can feel it when he kisses me, when he holds my hand, when he looks at me, its in his smile, in his every move. He must just be afraid. I wonder if he was hurt like I was. If he can't trust the way I hardly can. Maybe that is what has drawn us together. The fact that I feel safe in his arms and I know he would never, ever hurt me. I want him with me, I want to be able to share memories with him, whether or not we last for a long time, I need him now. I don't know why I need him in particular, but I do. I am in love with Matt, but somehow it all seems to be a facade, it is too unreal, too perfect, that it can't be for real, and when I can't see him, I can't convince myself that it is for real.
I need to get this pain out somehow... and there is nothing to turn to. Maybe if someone was here, I could get it out positivly, but no one is... so I'll turn to my canvas... and hopefully not to other things... damn the addiction... damn my screwed up addiction to pain. No one could love me with this, not knowing everything, they can be a friend, but nothing more, they'd run away in fear if they knew everything.