I realize how much University has changed me. My sense of adventure, my craziness have subsided. I have been beaten. The gargoyles surrounding me beat we with their eyes- what choice have I but to succumb to their will?
Point-in-case. This week while on break, I remember how much more I used to laugh, how I used to make jokes- I was comical and lighthearted. Laid back. Have I become what I feared most? A grave China? Nay! Never, I can change, and I can laugh. But laughter is much more hurtful, evil and cynical.
I have been reading too much of Nietzsche lately. Also I read Grendel again. These books with existential angst do little to help me. Frnakel you were my only hope. But I have lost, logotheoarpy will never help now. I have no why to suffer worlds how.
Can I change? Will I ever learn to love? Is it a possibility for me?
But I am sick. Sick of myself. I sit here and whine. How absolutely moronic of me! How absolutely pathetic! Just live- or die, they are the same to you (me)- you (I) worthless piece of nothing.
Oh god how I try to not be this pathetic worm. I study, I eat I breathe? Why cursed god need there be more? What did I do in a previous life do deserve this misery?
But it is good. All shall come out of it.
These delusions- do you hear them, dear reader? Verily this is what I have to put up with these self-inflated monstrosities. Yet what action do I take? I wait not for Charon. For my time with him shall be quick. Why should I and see my dear friends Brutus and Cassius too soon? I shall have all entirety for that!
Peoples characters' are as fixed as the ice around Cain. Their fate sealed. I am doomed to this life of misery- and perchance to perhaps I shall perhaps to perchance. If only!
But enough of this melodramatic teenage dribble. How it makes me sick that I write such atrocities against the pen!- Nay, even mother nature herself! Verily, had I only the passion of Sparta, instead of the curse of Athens! But again now I bicker. I suppose I should get used to it- it's childishness amuses me, however.
Spring has arrived and with it (perchance) the coach of change, the winds of rediscovery. (perhaps)
As per my plan, I did indeed follow through with it. I did not come out. Objective one is complete. Now I simply do not have to go to the gay meeting- and the objectives are complete. The pit into which no bridge can be built will be separated by the mountains that I only philosophize of climbing.
(thank heavens for gin.)