My short story: And this actually kinda happened. I had drifted off and then realize the water was over my face.
I listened to an audiobook of a novel called "Kisscut" on the night I accidently tried to kill myself. The novel was creepy, and I had to keep the light on. It was cold, and snowing outside, but I had the fan on because I get hot easily. The story was about a teen quarrel gone terribly wrong that resulted in a bigger problem. A ring of child pornography, and long-term abuse. There was incest uncovered, and suicide and more. There were many bad men and women, but in the end, the one woman was in the middle of it all got away. It made me think how cruel and uncaring people are.
After I finished the tape, I took my dark blue nail polish off my bitten-down nails, the replaced it with black nail polish. It was around midnight. As I replaced the nail polish, I glanced at the scars on my left forearm. About eight of them, some faded, one or two still an angry red. I hadn't cut myself in weeks, for a while at least. I would self-injury myself to keep from actually commiting suicide, although I've attempted that before. But that was with pills, and didn't work, obviously.
Tonight I couldn't sleep. For some reason, I just couldn't even close my eyes, even though my body was exhusted. I get exhusted so easily, and things that used to make me feel happy, or interested me, doesn't anymore. I know something's wrong with me, I just don't know what. I get sad for so long, and only have a few good days.
I decided to take a bath. I guess I was trying to put more distance between me and the world, as if washing away reality. I put the hot water on, and set out my bath items. My shampoo, body wash, razor and all that was set on the edge of the tub. I got my towels, one for my body, one for my thick blonde hair, which I recently cut seven inches off to where it sits on my shoulders. I put the towels on the rack beside the tub. We didn't have a shower, so we use a tub. Our house is about 50 years old. The bathroom is small, just a closet, tub, sink, and toilet in a 9 by 9 foot room, about. It has tile on the bottom half of the walls. As far as wallpaper, there are stripes on two opposite sides, and a floral design on the other two. It's one of those wallpapers you despise at first, then slowly get used to it, and you can't imagine your bathroom without it.
I undressed, and put a foot in the water. It was just right. Before I got in, I glanced at myself in the mirror. I think my face is kinda pretty, just a little too much fat. With a sigh of digust, I look away. I lay in the tub, and rest my head on the bottom. It's filling up, and right now, only reaches my ears. I sigh, the water relaxes me, like a thousand gentle hands rubbing me. My mind goes empty, as I close my eyes. I go to my own world, and I do not think. I don't feel. I don't breathe. It's amazing.
Then I feel a dull pain in my chest. I open my eyes slowly and see through the water at the wallpaper. I realize the pain is the water going through my nose, in my throat, and lungs. But yet, I don't move. Even with the dull pain, I feel so free. I stare through the water for a few seconds. I smile slightly as I look on the floral wallpaper and think to myself how one orange flower looks like a smiling face, looking down on me.
Then I think of my mom. My smile fades as I think of her finding me here, blue or white, whatever color you turn when you drown. I see her face in my mind. She worries enough from her up-coming surgery, and possibly losing her job. She don't need this, especially not now. I sit up, and as soon as my face hits the surface of the water, I feel the full-on of the pain. I can't breathe for real. I gasp for air, and purposefully make myself sick to get as much water out of my throat and lungs as I can. It takes about 10 minutes to catch my breath, and have it back to normal.
I get out and towel off. I let the water out of the tub. I check the clock. It's 1 am. I still can't sleep, so I lay in bed, wondering what would have happened if I had let myself drown...