So well I tried again to tell my parents I am gay, meh, they just stopped coming with me to family therapy. Which really bothers my therapist, but I don't really have the heart to tell her it is only a matter of time before they stop paying and force me to find someone else. But meh I don't really care about what they can do any more. As long as my dad doesn't treat any of my sisters like the punching bag he thought I was, it will be fine. If he tries, I swear he is going to regret ever teaching me how to properly use a knife...(Funny how I always say that but it just ends with me in the psych ward with him saying I attacked without being even provocked, only for my social worker to find me half way through the 5250). Plus I told my parents that the festival this weekend is a for families....but little do they know it is for rainbow families, and my school therapist is going to be there so well that should be fun.

The briliant part is the fact that I can laugh at all of it. I have a couple hundred mg of anti-psych coursing through my veins to make the laughter easy, the sadness hard to come by, and voices hard to hear. I like being able to laugh at all of this. My parents have been a tad meddlesome, ever since the hospital stint last summer. Which is funny because I am 80 miles away from home in college. Which sucked because on my birthday, they freaked when a packaged got delivered to the house from a friend of mine. She sent me a copy of "Lost Girls" by Alan Moore and Melinda Grebbe. Man that set off the preachy catholic parent alarms off. It didn't help that they later caught my middle sister with a Yaoi book. But my birthday got a ton better after I watched the Queer Fashion Show at my school. And when I came back to my dorm, I had an e-mail waiting for me from the girl I've had a crush on since i was a HS frosh, she wanted to take me to dinner.

Dinner was nice we went to a pizza place/brewery that we use to go to in HS, when we got their my middle sister was there with almost all my friends which was really nice. It was fun we spent the whole night talking about how nutty our parents are and how even though most of us are away for college, they still find a Way....felt bad for my Second Semester Senior friends who looked totally crestfallen at the news of such a thing. The gifts were all nice. But I loved what the girl I am crazy for made for me. She found out that when I came home from the hospital, I freaked out because my mom washed my beddings which I was a bit overprotected of ever since the girl I am crazy for slept in them. She made me a blanket out of microplush and fleece which are the two materials I spazz over. She got the fleece in the pattern of our school skirt and the microplush was the color of my high school jacket (She had a letterman jacket, I had this fleece jacket that was for the girls they sent out to the middle schools and tried to convince girls to come to our HS). That was last week.

It was funny because a few months ago, I had a wierd moment where suddenly the world stopped spinning (The world always spinns underneath my feet can't help it.) And my heart just dragged out a beat a lot longer then it should. I knew something was wierd in my world. The girl I am crazy for went for a dabble into the world of dating boys. Man I drove me nuts after I got confirmation. But I met the guy, I knew something was off when I saw him because he looked like the older boy who got kicked out of scouts for shooting at a bird on the range, but he said he was our age. i knew he was 23, I told her to watch out. She laughed at first, but he ended up becoming overly possessive and she dumped him. But he wouldn't stop following her, it ended with us girls doing what we do best. Make sure the damn guy doesn't come back (we don't kill them....we just chase them around when they are inebriated or high off their ass until they can't walk anymore for the night). It lasted for a month...which I drowned my sorrows in with the new series of Doctor Who and Torchwood both of which has a new refreshing idea for sci-fi....LGBT PEOPLE!!! I remember loving to watch Doctor Who late at night when I was little, but my goth Russell T. Davies added new life to the show.

But for now I feel great, and i am happy with that.

So I came out to the new friend I've been stressing about coming out to.
Well, not exactly "Yo I'm gay, yay!!" More like "Well I dated a girl."

It went fine, just like I thought it would.
Her face kinda lit up, her cheeks went a little rosy, and she said, "Wow! I never knew you were into chicks!" Then she said that she thinks she could date a girl, which led to a discussion about how, for a lot of people, sexuality doesn't fit so neatly into a box that can just be labeled
"gay" or "straight."

But oh my god!!! Telling people is like the scariest thing!!! How many people do I have to tell before I get used to this???
And another thing: I work with her, and I didn't tell her to keep it a secret because that would be awkward for me, awkward for her, and most of all, it would make it seem as though it's something I'm ashamed of, which I so totally am not (most of the time). I don't want to advocate hiding who you are. Still, I can't help but feel nervous. Lately, not being out at work has left me feeling sort of squished, but that doesn't mean I'm jumping at the opportunity for everyone to know! I'm terrified!!

I'm also lonely. I wish I had a gay friend I could call and tell all this to, someone who would congragulate me for my bravery, knowing exactly what it's like. Unfortunately, the only queer chick I know is my ex, and we're not exactly on speaking terms.

Still, I'm proud of what I've done, even though I'm still a little freaked out. At least it's the kind of fear that makes me feel alive, which is a lot better than the soul crushing fear I feel when I hide my sexuality/dating life.

All I want is to be me. And I want it to be okay. And I want to find others like me. Not just on the computer(wonderful as you all are) but in real life.

So I read "Deliver Us from Evie." I wouldn't really recommend it. It was kind of below my reading level not to insult anyone who has read it and liked it. It just wasn't very fast-paced. It also didn't have that great of a plot. It didn't have that much lesbian content. Not that I wanted it to have adult content. I just wanted the main character to be a lesbian instead of her being more of a supporting character.

I am absolutely addicted to this song.

AND, major bonus, Alannah Myles is soooo hot. I love her voice too, she's so badass. Have you seen the video? Check it out on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut09zkRoG0g

SO amazing! Love love love.

I would LOVE any opinions on what my dream means.

I had a dream with my dad My friend and My friend A in it.

I don’t know why it makes me happy, but somehow it does. I’m still thinking about it obviously otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it.

In the dream I’m going to My friends house, not where he lives now with UC, but his old house. The house where he and his mom used to live. The house I remember best. I’m going there with my dad in the red Ford Ranger that we own and were going to My friends, as odd as it sounds, because there’s something wrong with the truck and there’s this guy there that can fix it.

So we get there and we drive up the driveway and I think I can remember my dad smiling because the truck is going to get fixed, and we wait. After a short while of waiting I get impatient. I get impatient because this is My friends house and I’m sitting outside of it doing nothing with my dad. The garage door isn’t even open but I know that there’s a guy inside the garage who can fix our truck. Either way, I get sick of waiting and decide, since I’m friends with My friend and everything, that I will go inside where he’ll probably be.

So I go inside and his house is different. Not vastly and I didn’t go up the stairs I went downstairs to where I knew his room would be, which is not where it was when he lived there. It was downstairs to the left, but first I thought it was to the right, where it had been when I first knew him there. Instead of him being in that room there were two younger girls, sleeping and covered by blankets. Even though that is not something that I usually find at My friends in the dream it is normal and I decide not to disturb them and move on, letting them sleep.

So I go to the place where I figure My friend would be, which is in the basement area on the left hand side in a room that doesn’t actually exist in that part of the house. His room is bigger than I’ve ever known him to have, much bigger. Instead of him sleeping on his futon, like he normally does, he’s sleeping on the floor covered in his blanket. I remember the matted bunch on the floor I knew to be him, but I never saw his face.

Then for some reason I was out of the room and on the stairwell and My friend was up and about. He was moving all around the house and talking loud enough for me to hear him at the same time but I never saw him at all. I remember picturing him in the upper right hand side of the house, where I hear his voice, but I never did see him.

Then the dream changed. I wasn’t at My friends any more I was with My friend A and we, for only God knows what reason, were going to see Hannah Montana who for, Also God only knows what reason, some reason was playing in My Town. So we headed towards the movie theatre part of town, and somehow, ended up in the next town and for some reason that was part of the plan even though we didn’t seen Hannah Montana.

Then I got angry at My friend A because we weren’t going to do anything in the next town (which is not why I was angry at him) but were going to take the long way home so I hit him and said “Just because I’m the passenger I have to wait.” In a scowl. Then the dream was over.

I look forward,
See a circle of people.
In the middle, a young girl;
A wheelchair is on the ground near her,
It's been pushed over.
Everyone's screaming at her.
Laughing at her.
No one stops them.
No one cares.
She's trying hard to keep back her tears.
Then, someone speaks to me,
Tells me to join in.
I know that if I refuse they'll hurt me, too.
So I join their game.
I step forward now.
And before I know it,
words come out of my mouth.
First slowly, but them faster and more harsh.
It feels bad.
I continue.
The girl, sprawled on the ground,
curls up into a ball.
And finally,
She can't hold her tears back anymore.
At first, they slowly slide down her face.
Then, they drop steadily.
Drip, drip, drip.
And she starts silently screaming,
"Help, Help, Help"
Then, she manages to stare into my eyes.
Immediately, My knees buckle and I stumble backwards.
Her eyes shocked me.
Staring, but unfocused.
I feel down, mad at myself.
But I know I can't help it.
I can say sorry, I can help her up.
But the pain left on her is
Irreversible.

This morning I went to kilometer club walked a couple kilometers then did co-op stuff then went to my school had music then physics and then walked home. Yes i walked home! It's a pretty good walk it's a couple kilometers. It was only hard cuz a bit ago I pulled a muscle in my leg and i keep bugging it when i walk long distance and wouldn't you know right when i started to really walk. (like other then across the street) It started to hurt and it didn't help the side was was uneven so i leaned away from it make it' hurt more because it's my longer leg. Hard to explain but now it hurts like hell. But it's almost a good kind of hurt.
My shoe is also beginning to wear through right at the ball (I think that's what it's called but the part right after the toes) and where the muscle/bone or whatever of my big toepoints out of the ball. But mostly just on my pulled muscle leg. So now i kind of have a sore where my big toe muscle begins. I think it's the muscle i dunno it's just the really big part of the ball of my foot under the big toe.
In a non obvious way i'm trying to make it known to the people close to me (grandma mom dad sister etc) that i'm trying to get healthy. I mention that i walk all the time how far i walk. Most have seen me eating fruits and veggies when i normally have pizza or some other food for me that isn't all that great.
I'm trying to decide on dinner. I'm thinking maybe some mixed veggies and some pasta. With Bananas and Strawberries for desert. I love strawberries with a passion. They are soo very very very yummy. I've gone through like two packs in the past few days.
I can't wait till my dad's garden starts growing because it has a strawberry patch that is coming in pretty well this year apparently then he'll plant tomatos, green peppers and i think he's already planted the carrots and i'm not sure about the beans. But it's such a great way to get fresh food. I totaly suggest to people who like fruits and veggies and such to plant stuff in the spring for the summer. Me n my mom have to plant our tomato and green peppers and onions this year again and i think garlic this year too. But we just moved in so we're still trying to find somewhere that will be good for planting. At our other house (my dads) the one side yard is the garden.
If my legs don't hurt later or if they hurt less then i'm gunna take my dog out for a bit of a walk later.